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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Another 'What Charlie Saw...' story









Snuggling under the warm comfort of my blanket on that recent cold Merdeka morning, the last thing I would want to do then was to get up and watch some sohais shouting ‘Merdeka!’ on tv.


It’s not that I’m no longer patriotic anymore but strangely, I don’t know whether I am having hearing problems or what these days…or is it because the mysterious death of Teoh Beng Hock is still fresh and lingering in mind, but damn it, each time someone mentioned the word ‘Merdeka!’, it somehow sounded like “MURDER-ka?” to me!

After lazing in bed for a while, I decided to get out of the room to greet my son, Charles who should be up and face-booking by then in the living room..but what greeted me as I stepped out of my room that morning almost made my heart stopped!



Right before me was this fully cloaked creepy figure squatting on Charles’s chair and meddling with his laptop!


My mind went blank for a few seconds and the first thought that came upon me was that it was still the Chinese ‘hungry Ghost’ month and there.... right before my eyes in my living room was this horrendous ‘thing’!



Before I could finish exclaiming “Oh my f@%king gawd!” the hood came down and a familiar head popped out asking, “Choe mee yeah? (What’s up?)


and continued with,“Walau! You look so scared la, dad. Thought you saw ghost issit? hehehe…..Where got ghost so clever, knows how to play Facebook on laptop one leh? kekeke!”

Niamah!..It was just my equally eccentric son, Charles who was too lazy to put on a shirt, wrapping himself with a blanket instead on that extremely cold morning.



Apparently, Charles must have forgotten that particular scary hair-raising incident we had when we were staying at the old terrace house some years ago. For history, those houses there were built on a plot of land which was part of the Chinese cemetery some 50 years ago!


We were watching a DVD movie in the living room one weekend and since it was already 2 am, we decided to continue the movie in my bedroom upstairs.

After our usual pre-bed personal hygienic routine were done, we turned off all the lights on the ground floor, leaving just a small green night light on in the living room and hurried up the stairs to my bedroom to continue watching the movie as planned.

Up in my bedroom, we realized that we had forgotten about the disc which was still in the player in the living room downstairs. Charles volunteered to get the disc and hurried out of the room before I could say “Forget it, it’s already late”.

The next thing I heard was a loud but short “ARGGGHHH! from outside my bedroom door! I then saw a terrified Charles rushed back into the room and latching the door in panic!

I kept asking him, “What happened?” and each time I got the same murmuring answer….

“Nothing.. nothing.. err just nothing..forget it.” he kept insisting, failing miserably in his attempt to act like everything was fine even though he was looking terrified.

Trying his best to regain his composure and not wanting to worry me further he suggested we watch something else. This made me even more curious and upon my persistent questioning, he finally confided to me that he saw something spooky downstairs!….

He had caught a glimpse of someone or something sitting at my computer table which was just near the bottom of the stairs!

“Could it be a burglar?” I asked in a whisper while reaching out for my torch and the rattan stick I used to keep in the bedroom for security reason.

“No!...errrr…I.. I.. I dddon’t ttthink so, dad….It was clearly a pair of a young lady's legs I saw! I dared not even look up to see the rest of her!"

Isshhhh!! I felt goose bumps suddenly all over my arms as my mind started to picture what Charles allegedly saw…

How could there be a 'lady’ sitting at my computer table in the dimly lighted living room
downstairs at that strange wee hour of the morning?






I took a deep breath and said a very short but precise ‘Yeh Soh’ prayer before telling Charles that we had to go downstairs to check things out.


I turned on all the lights available in my room and started moving around the room in heavy stumping steps on purpose, talking louder than usual and making as much noise as I could…hoping that, that ‘thing’ downstairs could get the impression that I still got my balls intact..(even though they could have been reduced to ‘kacang putih’ size! lol!)

Charles stood close behind me with one hand on my shoulder as I opened the room door. I could see that he was all tensed up, probably thinking~ Gosh! What if that ‘thing’ had already climbed the stairs and was just outside waiting for us behind the room door?

I shone my torch immediately down the stairs and every corner of the living room that I could reach from the top of the stairs. For the first time, I realized that green color bulb is not a wise choice for a night-light. It was creepy and eerie!

Taking another deep breath to steady myself, I walked down the stairs with Charles tailing behind me like we were a lion dance team... stumping our feet on the wooden planks hard to make thumping sounds as our final ‘warning’ to whatever or whoever who had intruded into our home that morning.

Thank God we found nothing unusual after checking every nook and corner on the ground floor and finally went to bed feeling more comfortably secured that night... errrr... with all the lights in the house left on of course!

We kept this incident to ourselves without telling Jboy, my elder son until we moved out of that old house years later.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Our Spooky Pasar Malam Trips.








Charles was riding pillion on our weekly trip to the nearby Pasar malam (night market) to get those
Rm5 for three cakes last Wednesday evening when …

Just before reaching the junction at the corner of our residential car-park area, he said, “Dad, don’t go that way, it’s better to turn left and take the other longer route.”

Huh? The shortcut is too dark for your comfort… issit?”

Hungry Ghost month maaa! Ma huan la! (problematic)”, he answered.

“Oh! Hungry Ghost month!… you scared the ‘hantu tektek (the big breast ghost)’ choke you with her gigantic bOObs because you always open your mouth and talk nonsense. ..issit?” I quipped.

Charles:I don’t mean that kind of ‘hungry ghosts’ la… You know la, dad… Those blue blue ones, whole day haven’t eaten throughout this month, hiding behind trees like ‘sip chaeng kwai’ with small notebook in hand, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting motorcyclist type la… Get what I mean?”

Me: “Ohhh! I see what you mean now. Those errr… pei-phei, moe-chih, ha-lau, chin-kak , chook sang pat yuee, choe kwai ngmm laeng, mah- kow-funKOPI-OR hungry ghosts…. hahaha!”

Charles: “Ayo! What a mouthful of debasing Cantonese invectives you are spewing! Dad, with you around…I feel a lot safer because it won’t be me ‘hantu tektek’ should be targeting her boobs at after all.. hehehe!”


________ Fast forwarding to…….

On the ride back from the pasar malam, just as I turned left at the same junction mentioned earlier where the street lamp has not been working for sometime, I suddenly caught a glimpse of a girl standing alone in the dark corner on the grass besides the road, with a helmet in her hand like she was waiting for someone to give her a lift.

“OMG! Did you see that girl, Charles?

Wattafark did she paint her face with? She looks like she’s wearing a white Japanese Kabuki mask …

Diu-niaseng! She scared the shit out of me pulak!”








Without wasting that good opportunity the ‘kwailan’ Charles responded, “Where got? You are sure or nottttt? I didn’t see anyone wor…Die la you! You must have seen one of those real ‘cannot mention at night this month’ type oledee! kekeke!”


On hearing that, I felt a little uneasy even though I knew Charles was teasing me because my mind was then wandering back to one particular spooky incident that happened at this same Wednesday pasar malam venue three years ago.....

....We were watching a Chinese medicine peddler about to perform some stunts to pull in the crowd at the far end of the field, near where a grave stood hidden by a mound of encircling hill, a little away from the brightly lit pasar malam stalls.

Just when the medicine peddler was about to get into his act after so much of ‘saliva spewing’ sales talk and his mambo jambo act to invite ‘his little friend’ (toyol?) to assist done, Charles turned to me with a very disturbed look on his face and said, “Let’s getttt outtt of here fastttt!”

“Ayaa! What a spoilsport la..you!” “Wait la, watch a little more..Can ar?” I pleaded.

He kept on insisting to leave immediately and from his tone of voice and facial expression, I knew something was really wrong. Without any further questioning, I relented and we left the show.

As I reluctantly walked away from the crowd, Charles kept warning me in very troubled tone, “Dad! Don’t look back! Don’t look back!”

From the fear and urgency I saw in him, I guessed he must have just seen ‘something’ others are unable to, an uncanny ability he has since he was a kid, which can be sometimes extremely freaking scary even for an adult like me when you get to hear what he sees!

Only much later when he felt calmer and more relaxed back in the comfort of our home, he disclosed to me his preternatural sighting at the pasar malam that night….

He actually saw a young girl about 4 or 5 years old, with very pale whitish face and very dark eye-rings in some strange out-of the era clothes and shoes....staring at us from across the opposite side of the crowd!!!!!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Our children’s ‘LAUGH DIE ME’ Ingrish!









In one of those ‘sembang-kupsiao’ sessions we had whenever the workload eases in between hectic work schedules in our office, we started ranting on the deteriorated standard of the English language these days.

Apparently, students these days are confused with the phonetics of English language with that of the Bahasa Malaysia. We had so much laughter that day, sharing our personal hilarious encounters with our children's ‘laugh die people’ mispronounced English words.

It all started when I told them how my #1 son used to say POWS instead of PAUSE and whenever he requested me to 'POWS' the movie we were watching on DVD, that cheeky #2 (Charles) would be quick to respond on my behalf wittingly, “No need la.. We can RE-WEEN (Rewind) back for you easily maa…hehehe!”






James then told us how he once overheard his son’s conversation with his classmate, weaving around on how to SER TOOP a particular program. He caught no balls on what the kids meant by SER TOOP but not wanting to risk being labeled as backward in IT or a 'kaypo-apek' he didn’t ask them for clarification. It only dawned on him much later that they were discussing on how to SETUP the program!


Fizul then told us that his 10 years old son once hurried him to quickly finish his bath, knocking on the bathroom door saying “Pa, cepat mandi! Astro TV is showing OON CHOOT edition of FRIDAY the 13th movie!

“What OON CHOOT?”

OON CHOOT lah… U…., N…, C…, U…, T.. Oon choot!”


Another friend told us that his 7years old son ordered CHOCHA~CHOLA at the kopitiam and the confused apek said, "Ta lak!" (should have recommended him 7-OOP (7up) la instead and a plate of Chicken CHOOT-LET (cutlet) too... hahaha!)







The most humorous "LAUGH DIE ME' Ingrish contribution that day came from Puan Khairiah who told us what she heard her daughter said when her path was blocked by her siblings...

She heard the young lass asked, “Can I PASS A WAY?(she wanna pass away?….. lol!
)

I must say thanks to those smart asses who decided to abandon the English language as the teaching medium in our education system … the 'Ingrish' language is getting funnier by the day and I'm having so much fun abetting in the corruption and murder of this beautiful language! Really 'laugh-die-me' la!!!


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

How I learned to sew a yukata from my 'dreams'!








Going online and using the web is called “
seong mong” in Cantonese but wtf do you call it in Hokkien?

Khee bang..right? That's the Hokkien word for going online and using the web......and precisely what I said to the lady at the sewing shop when she asked how I learned to sew that yukata I gave her to bind the raw edges of the fabric.

I said, “Wa khee bang oak-lor ” meaning in Hokkien -I went online using the web to learn.

That sewing shop lady gave me a strange stare, probably thinking that she was dealing with either a 'kwailan' customer or a cuckoo one . Apparently being computer illiterate she couldn't understand that the word “khee bang” means to 'go up in the web' or internet but instead took it to mean go dream about .....and thought I claimed to learn sewing from my dreams! Really ‘laugh die me’ la!

So, before that poor lady got more uneasy thinking she was all alone in her sewing shop with a madman, I quickly went blah-blahing to explain what I meant ...elaborating that nowadays we can learn almost anything usin
g the kom-pew-terrrr ..'tian now' la!

I told her besides sewing, I also learned electrical installations, wood-working, house painting, plumbing and a lot of other stuffs and the
'tian now' is the best 'Everything orso can one' guru for a DIY-freak like me...!

She finally caught my breeze and even went on to ask how I managed to find such tutorials in the
'tian now'. Needless to say, I quickly changed the subject knowing that words like 'Goo-gur'(google) and 'Loo-eh Tube'(Youtube) would not make much sense to her...hahaha!


Anyway, here’s what the
home-made yukata looked like on my si-pek vain son, Charles at the recent 2009 Penang Bon–Odori fest….

Cheoo bo?” or shall I ask, “kawaii neh?” .
(errrr.. I mean the yukata and not the imitation
blonde Nihon guy with a Nikon camera here la!)










There at the esplanade, I noticed Charles was probably the only one among the local guys in yukatas with the correct men's Obi knot... not because he knows how to tie it, but actually dad cheated and made a pre-tied one for him..cleber leh? hehehe!







Charles with his college mate, Xherlyn, two of the many 'cheong' Japanese there that night....who at least got it right wearing their yukatas correctly.. left over right and not the other way round..(note: only the dead wears it right over left! So...if you are one of those who wore it the wrong way...you really si liao la!)




....and here are the real ones!...Japanese families having their picnic at Penang BON-ODORI 2009.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sandwiched, perspiring but glad I was there!

Was about to update last week when suddenly the news of TBH’s mysterious death broke. Sigh... was too overwhelmingly saddened to be in the mood to share some laughter in this blog as intended. (If by now, you‘re still not familiar with the name Teoh Beng Hock… I suggest you google it.. or better still, go fly out from some 14th floor window and get to meet and know him personally! Oops! sorry to sound so mean..cos' I'm in very toolan mood la! *so 2lan until I spelled the word 'sandwiched' as 'sandwitched' in this post without realising until a day after !)

Anyway, just before I left for the Justice for TBH solidarity gathering yesterday I commented on Lilian’s 5Xmom blog….teasingly volunteering to be her ‘tripod assistant’ in her task as a CITIZEN JOURNALIST there at Wisma Penyayang…

I hurriedly left home for the venue without realizing she had replied, suggesting that I take some close-up shots of people’s facial expressions there last night…















Alas, by the time I got to read her suggestion, way too late at 5am this morning, (after a good night rest of my aching body and feet. Stood 3 and half hours throughout the forum weii!....) all I found in my camera were something like these below….


errrr.......shots mostly showing the back of people's kelapa kepala!

















........ so I replied her.














Diu! Angry or sad facial expression shots tak lak la..... but plenty of these back shots showing ..errrrr... people losing hair over the sad incident perhaps!
(Toolan until 'Loot Mor' la!)
...............








and legs-shots .... that don't tell much.....But, sadly that was the only other option of view I had there while sardined right at the back of the crowded hall!


See my heavy PAKALOLO boots
that I always wear to crowded events for fear of being stepped on? This is what they called 'Batu' shoes ..as heavy as rocks...hahaha!





and more legs here....



















........and what about this 'shoulders' shot? Can see the anger and sadness of those people there or not? No?










Fortunately, when the forum ended I went forward to the front and took some shots of our super lady Citizen Journalist, Lilian in the media crowd ...interviewing, recording. cam and video shooting our CM..









Well..I don't have any close-up angry facial expression shots to show here.... but the very fact that thousands of Penangites were there, cramped and sweltering in solidarity speaks aloud their anger as well as their care and concern.


Pics showing the rest of the crowd who could not get into the hall, watching live broadcast projector screen at the foyer downstairs...

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Love Letter







Dearest,

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.


I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

Soo Whyne, The flu.

















Just in case, you are still sotong-blur, not knowing the differences between a FLU, Allergy, Cold and Sinusitis... here's a chart to refer to~

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

AhKowKia's new neighbor


AhKowKia after having had enough of the noisy city life, moves to the peaceful and quiet remote countryside. His new neighbor, SaiFoo, the farmer pays him a visit and invites him to a party that night.

SaiFoo: Braader, you sure you can drink or not? There’s going to be a lot of ‘yamseng’ there one..you know.

AhKowKia: Don’t worry La… I used to go pub gallivanting a lot in the city with my colleagues after work..

SaiFoo: Orso have to warn you.. After so much drinking, things can go rough and sometimes there may be fighting too.

AhKowKia: Don’t worry, I’m the non-violent, non-lansi friendly type.. I don’t normally offend people and can get along with anyone easily la.

SaiFoo: Okay, good! ….don’t say I didn’t warn you…usually party ends up so wild …..got a lot of SEX too.

AhKowKia: Wow! It’s fine with me. By the way, what should I wear? I haven't actually unpack my clothes yet.. tee shirt can ar?

SaiFoo: It doesn’t matter la! Wear anything orso nevermind .. It’s going to be Just the two of us only jer maaa....

AhKowKia: harrrrr???? (faints..)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fable 2009 -In Fear of Porky's sneeze!









The animal Kingdom is looking for the most feared leader to rule as the new King of the Jungle 2009….

An elephant, a lion and a pig are contending for the post.

Lion: Look here kawan kawan, for centuries it has always been written - Lion, the King of the jungle!. Lion is king and king is Lion… and nothing else because when a lion like me roars, the whole jungle freezes in fear!

Elephant: Pooordah dei! When you roar yev'ryone freezes only, but when I trumpet, yev'ryone in the jungle has to make way for me laa! Scared or not... huh?

Pig: Cheh!!! Like that only mehhhh? I never bluff you one…I just need to sneeze and cough lightly nia, not only the jungle kingdom but the whole planet has to live in fear oledi!



Friday, June 12, 2009

UP YOURS! Just a reminder....















Nothing vulgar, but just a reminder to myself... to UP my age by another 1 year after having reluctantly 'celebrated' another BI
RTHDAY a few days ago.

Sounds weird, but that’s what you’ll need to do if you are one of those sipek C.A.L. (compulsive age liar) like me, who keep claiming to be ‘ONLY 38 nia!’ when asked. (Errr.. Actually, the 38 spin is already a vast improvement, it used to be a 28 for quite a number of years until fine 'batik lines' started appearing on my face! hehehe!)














Well, like the many birthdays before this, there wasn’t any planned celebration. Maybe it's because I can't stand people wishing me "HAPPY Birthday' just when I feel sad growing older..hahaha! (It's OK la when you were small because that was when you were growing 'ka-tua' or BIGGER and not 'ka-lau', older maa!).

But somehow it still ended up again like before. Someone bought a cake, another bought 2 bottles of wine and like it or not....we had a little impromtu 'Just Cake & Wine' camwhoring session to celebrate limpek getting older...."Betul betul lau liao la, uncle lu!" ...cheers!

















The little impromptu party of five....
(Adrian, Caven , 9pek9bo, Charles & Kim Hooi)





Me & Caven, my filial godson for already10 years from my former neighborhood. ..Thanks for that lovely cake!













The after-effect of 2 bottles of Shiraz wine......... funny 'kwai-lan' facial antics of son, the wine-donor... Charleskey!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Blending in with an 'ANYTHING ORSO CAN' Tee


As I look at the bursting wardrobe drawers cramped with all sorts of colorful Tee-shirts now, my mind wanders back to those ‘emergency mornings’ of Charles’s secondary schooldays, when he had to rush like a Bomba engine ...and also screaming like one, looking for a particular T-shirt for a particular activity in school that day.

It was either Chamm liao la! Where‘s my WUSHU Tee?” or “My Editorial Board Tee hai peen toh leh?” or Sei Lor..can’t find my House color-Tee laa!!depending on which day of the week but all the same, this slugabed-dad had to cut short sleep to help search for that particular elusive T-shirt he needed to survive another day in school!

Ya..I know, I know.. It’s cool to wear a Slogan Tee-shirt these days that practically screams aloud your stand and beliefs or identify your association with certain clubs or a particular group of people sharing a common cause. But come to think of it, do we really need to spend so much dough unnecessarily on all sorts of loud slogan Tees that sometimes make us look like a ‘walking Advert’ or even a ‘walking billboard’? (that's when your body goes 'panoramic' in shape!)

Niamah! Can’t we make life less complicated and easier to go by with just a ‘generic’ Tee that can be worn for all activities? One that can make us blend into or associate with, any group on any occasion, anytime, any day and anywhere. (same reason why I only buy totally black or totally white plain socks to avoid going nuts looking for the missing matching socks.. Smart leh? hehehe!)


Perhaps, something like this “I’M WITH THEM” Tee-shirt should just do the trick....


It does not matter whether the crowd is wearing “I’m with.. errrrr RPK, ...PKR, ...KPR (Kay Po Residents?) or some saintly “Wholly Holy’ church group Tee. With this generic 'all occasions' tee, one can easily blend in instantly just for a good cam-whoring session with your camera-phone like this!.....


Same goes with those ‘anti-whatever’ candlelight vigils… you may want to snap a good pic just so that some day your grandchildren actually believe grandpa was so ‘geng’ once!

But then again you may need to be discreet and prudent with your choice of association … the question of whether “Ada permit” or “Talak Permit mia, 123 Tangkap!” gathering.. Otherwise, someday when your grandchildren look at that pic of you getting invited for 'free stay and breakfast' by some 'too affectionately embracing' fellow countrymen in blue, they'll go, “SWEAT-LAH!! Grandpa YOU!...WITH THEM some more!”

Monday, June 1, 2009

The untold truths of Tales and stories (cartoons)

Maybe I was a little more curios and imaginative than my peers back then as a kid ..and somehow I always thought adults, especially my primary school teachers were not telling the truths or at least not telling us all of the whole story.. including the real ending to the tales and stories.

THE TABLETS

For instance, I was always wondering and asking my Sunday schoolteacher why Moses were given two tablets instead of just one?

Why couldn't the commandments be written on the both sides of one tablet like we do with the pages of our exercise book? ... or, was there anything else already written at the back of the tablets that they didn't tell us?
(* Just typical of an inquisitive mind of a very blur-sotong kid back then..)











.... Maybe something like this?

Hmmm... that probably explains a lot about the mess the world is in these days!
LOL!














ROBIN's MERRYMEN

As for the legend of ROBIN HOOD and his MERRYMEN.. Armed with only the experience of robbing and probably merrymaking in the forest, I was wondering what did they do for a living when ROBIN HOOD finally disbanded his Sherwood gang? Did they continue robbing people on their own or started some business?
















Like ....Friar Tuck operating a Tuckshop?
















or Little John running a Little John (Children's toilet) Accessories Shop?


RAPUNZEL

and that story of the pretty fraulien who was imprisoned in a tower with no stairs by a witch just because her 'thum-chiak(greedy)' parents were caught stealing the witch's vegetables, Rapunzel...

I think just having the password, "
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, so that I may climb the golden stair" alone was not exactly secure and safe for a home-alone girl..

Being a smart girl, she probably would have braided one side of her hair for her good looking boyflen prince to climb and left the other half unkempt and unwashed for those unwelcome '5354' gate-crashers! hahahaha!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Story of the Small Town Debts







Sometimes, a simple solution is all we need for what appears to be a complicated problem..


Here’s an interesting story I chanced upon on how puzzlingly simple it was to solve what appeared to be a complicated economic woe of a community in a small town, when all the debts in the system were cleared by just an ‘accidental temporary loan’ that came by…

Here’s the story…..


There is not much business happening in this little town as recession takes toll and everyone seems to be in debt.
The hotel owner owes the butcher for the meat,
the butcher owes the farmer for the pigs,
the farmer in turn owes the local prostitute for the 'heat'
and she completes the chain, owing the
hotel owner for the room she needs.

Then one day, completely out of a clear blue sky, a very 'lansi-lanyong' tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for the best room and ‘lansi-ly’ puts a RM100 note on the reception counter as deposit, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.







For fear of the meat supply being stopped because of his overdue payment,
Woo koayTan-the hotel owner takes the hundred ringgit banknote and rushes over to the butcher shop opposite to pay Babee- his meat supplier to whom he owes RM100.






Babee- the butcher, upon receiving the money also quickly takes the money and races to the pig farm nearby to pay Too-Kopek-the farmer the RM100 he owed him for pigs he purchased some time ago.








Since New Year is coming soon and it’s bad luck to owe people money, Too-Kopek-the farmer takes the RM100 note to quickly pay Lucy Kay, a local prostitute who gave Too-Kopek her services on credit. (She usually won’t allow credit for her service but Too-Kopek always insist and says he cannot tahan cos’ his cum already at custom clearance checkpoint liao! ..but this is another story altogether..)





Upon receiving the
RM100 , Lucy Kay-the prostitute goes quickly to the hotel and pays Woo koayTan-the hotel owner the RM100 she owed for her hourly room rentals used to entertain her ‘hamsap’ clients.






At that moment, th
at 'lansi-lanyong' tourist informs Woo koayTan-the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory, takes back his RM100 before he departs. Story ends…and here’s where my head-scratching begins!

There was no profit or income as the Woo koayTan-the hotel owner did NOT eventually earned that RM100 from the unsatisfied lansi-lanyong customer but yet in that short time, with that RM100 banknote going around, everyone in that little town was able to pay off their debts! It is amazing how an accidental temporary loan (in this case, the hotel room deposit) cleared all the debts in the system!

There must be an explanation somewhere which I’m unable able to find yet. But...come to think of it, why should I need an answer or explanation?

…Let’s keep the story with it’s happy ending as it is! Aye sai Bo?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Getting delirious with kopi KAPUT-CHINO!








In times like these, where what was once SILVER is turning BLACK and people are behaving disgracefully in the land supposedly ‘Abode with GRACE’, I found myself crossing over the extremely thin borderline into insanity once again, to start looking at things in laughable perspective…


Remembering that no matter how farked-up we get, we are in NO CONTROL of what others say or do. What we have is the total control of our own emotions and WE CAN wisely choose NOT to be REACTIVE and allow others to ruin our day. (Same goes to those reading my insane & inane 9pek9bo-ing blog here, which is nothing more than just Talkcock-ing of a ‘nothing to do’ old fler, not to be taken seriously!.LOL!)

I imagined myself intoxicating my mind with an imaginary highly caffeinated cappuccino KAPUTCHINO drink (Kaput=Destroyed, Done for & Chino= Spanish for Chinese) such as this Oldtown Aunty Equus Asinus KAPUTCHINO.. (guess what's Equus asinus?)

..hoping to get hallucinated enough to be able to see a harmful pepper spray as merely a harmless key chain/ pendrive and delirious enough to shamelessly commit the immoral sin of seeing myself in the like of great people such as Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, M Luther King, Obama or even Mother Theresa!

What a shiok sendiri experience! Give this old fler, me a chance to enjoy my delirium, ok? I need to be crazy to keep my sanity! ??? (kind of brain piercing to keep up with my son's tongue and body piercings... here!)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Picking a peek of the Past..






Looking through my files I found these abstracts I shot sometime last year with my little handy camera I sometimes do carry along wherever I go.

At times, simple ordinary things can appear fascinating and even philosophical stimulating to me when I gave them a little more attention than I normally do. (Errmm.. in simpler terms, it means those were actually boring moments in life that usually awakens the zzzz-ing artist in me..ahem ahem!)

It doesn’t really matter what my photography-enthusiast son, Charles opined and neither am I bothered about my handicap in the technical aspects … After all, I’m more of a photo-LAUGHER than photographer, laughing myself silly at my amateurish attempts in photography! :)

As I ponder over these images now I ‘m beginning to realize what a treasure they are to me. Each and every photo is like a doorway to a particular moment of my life, forever gone but always available in memories…..


1.THE LAST CRYSTAL DINOSAUR.

This was taken while waiting for my curry mee at the food court at the Rifle Range market, our ‘lau ti fang’ we sometimes go back to for breakfast. It’s nothing more than just my Kopi Or Peng in a green plastic cup






2.IN SEARCH OF DESTINY. This pic was taken on a wooden plank-bridge at Tan Jetty coincidentally on my birthday last year when I followed son, Charles and Adrian to meet up with Khan for a photo-shoot there. There was where we first met 'Khan Khan',a final year Art student from Equator.












While those three young pros were busy with their DSLRs capturing the evening scene, I took fancy to the very aged but strong wooden planks that I was standing on (above pic). …and wandered away in philosophical thoughts.... the freedom of that young piece of wood drifting freely in comparison with those hard solid and weathered old ones we were standing on.










3. BIRD IN CAGE-The office Copier got jammed and the stuck papers came out like black & white folding fans. Found it interesting when I threw them into the waste basket together with a brown envelope. With a little arrangement, I had an enjoyable 5 minutes breather from work!





4. HANGING AROUND-
Took this on a rainy night, all drenched while hanging around waiting for our take-away dinner (Fried Tang-hoon) on the way home from office at the stall we always frequent nearby .








5. SHADOW PLAY
Taken at my favorite haunt…the ‘smoking Area’ at the stairway outside my 4th floor office in Beach street.. where I used to puffed my
Winston ciggis away!


Thursday, April 30, 2009

When YOUNG men see VISIONS & OLD men dream DREAMS

Imagine the hilarious sight of a toothless seventy plus ahpek with his wrinkled face totally dolled-up in heavy feminine make-up and his dark skinny flat-chested body …dressed in a pink ballerina tutu! If his outrageous sight alone was not enough to make me LMAO, his amusing attempt to dance and twirl like a ballerina in his solo performance did just that!

That was one unforgettable odd but lovable character I met at the old folks’ home some 30 years ago. It was obvious that like many other inmates there, he was going through his second childhood and was thoroughly enjoying his twilight years as much as he could without being problematic to others, except for the stomach cramps we got from laughing at his antics.


Unfortunately, not all old chaps are that fun, lovable and harmless. Some can be very nasty, annoying, irritating, attention-seeking, trouble-makers as in the case of our ‘lau pu-se’ [老不死 ] toon lokter U-No-Hoo.



Niahseng! Like limpek haven’t had enough of his
foul flatulence coming out of his wrong end all those twenty-over donkey years, like he hasn’t done enough damage just yet, this old devil ’toon lokter U-No-Hoo' is back hogging the media limelight all over again!

Thank God that I have long liberated myself from those
TVtiga-suku and ‘Ah-ler-TM’ propagandistic news channels! If not, I guess I’ll be ranting and sending my regards to his mother so often that in the end I may have to rename my blog asKannilaubo’ instead of 9pek9bo!

Dunno why.... even with my abstinence from watching those
TVtiga-suku and ‘Ah-ler-TM’ fairy tales for children’ news, limpek found myself having very weird recurring nightmares of my very old discarded TV set showing a zombie who looked like him, sounded like him but it’s not him singing............


“It's close to midnighttttt…
and something evil's lurking in the dark!
On your TV tonight,
you see a sight that almost stops your heart
................
Cause this is diuu-ler!! Thriller night!






After the singing ended, the scene changed and those dancing zombies began morphing themselves into Chinese Ching dynasty costumed hopping zombies just like those in Chinese Vampires comedy movies of the 80's!
















Okay..don’t ask me why I could have such weird nightmares. I’m entitled to it just as much as you young punks are entitled to your MP4s, camera phones, i-pods and i-whatever with LCD screen because it has been said, “....YOUNG MEN SHALL SEE VISIONS, and YOUR OLD MEN SHALL DREAM DREAMS...( not truly meant in this manner though, just borrowed the phrase!)

Hahaha!
It's just another day for ranting randomly and obnoxiously about an awful dream, nothing to be taken seriously .....
Have a nice
day nightmare folks!


Sunday, April 26, 2009

April Jokes- just for laughs







WARNING!
This weblog may contain some profanities, smuts, expletives or whatever you want to call it as.....
If you are easily offended by vile & inappropriate languages and think that you'll surely end up burning in Hell because of it, Or, still a minor (underage, under-developed or 'Under-still not developed!') not understanding that the 4 LETTERS ‘F’ WORD that ends with a ‘K’ is NOT what you use together with a spoon, Please DO NOT CONTINUE!

Otherwise, proceed on and have a f*rking fun-time here.(Oops! I already warned ya..Didn't I?)










Towkeh-soh already had three unsuccessful marriages before. Her first husband was a wife-beater, the second an adulterer who finally ran away with that ‘chau char bor’ and the third was a total disappointment in bed!

So being smarter now,
Towkeh-soh makes sure she includes certain requirements when she places an advert for a new life partner in the papers.



“Forty-something Rich divorced woman looking for new husband who will not beat her, run away from her and is good in bed” it said.








Two weeks later, while
Towkeh-soh is enjoying her favorite TV show at home, she hears her doorbell rings. She opens the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs.


“Yes? Wat-chew want?” she asks.

“Hi, I’m Mr. Wan Long Dik, and I’m here about your advert in the papers.”

“You got meet my requirements meh?” Towkeh-soh asks.

“Well, I have no arms so cannot beat you lor, and I have no legs to run away from you, even if I want to orso cannot maa.” he replies.

“But how do I know you’re good in bed leh?” she asks.

Mr. Wan Long Dik, “Aiyo! Aboden, how do you think I rang the doorbell.. har?











Ah 9Pek: Oei! AhLek, you look worried today.. what’s the ploblem har?


AhLek: jialat liao la! .. my wife dunwan to “ahem-ahem” with me on Sunday orledi!


Ah 9Pek:: Why leh?

AhLek: because yesterday hor, her priest says SEX on the Sabbath is a sin because SEX is considered as WORK!

Ah 9Pek: Niamah, like dat orso can! What does a priest know about SEX Where got such thing one?

AhLek: They say SEX is production of lives…WORK maa and therefore not allowed on Sabbath Sunday lor.

Ah 9Pek: SEX is definitely play la.. Aiya! if your wife thinks it is WORK, then ask her to tell your young Indon maid to do for you lor!

AhLek: ya hor...WORK nia mahh hor?…hahahah!




Sunday, April 19, 2009

B.E. Satu Lagi!!







Before those PR supporters could finish with their “YAMMMMMSENG!” or even before Semi-TalakBulu and his long lost... one little, two little, three little .............. cousin in Perak could both finish cursing in their Kerling lingo on the outcome of the recent tri By-Elections (BE), another one is already looming near … right in my home state, Penang!


Okay..okay...For the benefit of those
DOTAland alien korkor-chyes & those QQ KAWAiians mooi-moois who are still 'blur-blur' not knowing what’s going on beyond DOTAland and FRIENDSTERland: We just had NOT one, but THREE by-elections ALL AT ONE GO earlier this month to fill the vacant seats left by some YBs, who either had an early earthly departure or… probable fear of an early earthly departure! (you guess this one out yourself!)

In fact, within a short period of just a year since the Tsunami General Election, we already had five exciting BEs and gosh!...The score is PR leading BN by 4-1! Kanneh! Limpek's beginning to like By-Elections a lot! It’s so blardy addictive! Judging from the large turnout at the rallies I think BE is fast becoming the favorite pastime of Malaysians these days!

Never have I seen such huge multiracial crowds muhibah-ing since those ‘zaman MerzaguaMalaysia Cup days, where we thronged into stadiums to cheer hysterically at goals even our rheumatoid grandmas could catch! How I missed them! (I mean those carnival-like truly united OneM’sia atmosphere, NOT those rheumatoid grandmas.. ok?)


Whether it was for the 'comradie' feelings or the carnival festive mood, By-election's activities these days are phenomenally pulling crowds by the thousands! It looked like fun, sounded like fun and ... niamah! sometimes it's so irresistibly fun that even our BIG BLUE BOYS are joining in to have fun with their 'water-shooting toys' and LEGO ROAD blocks too!




Thanks to the great gods ..err...Lord GODamnit & Lord GODblok, I managed to keep myself updated about all the 'fun' in the net despite my STREAMYX broadband connection was (and still fcukingly is) weak throughout the entire run-up period and on Polling day on April 7!
Broadband huh? I think the situation here is more like a band of broads waiting in line for a Viagra-starved dead old cock instead! Jialat!



As it was, just like all other elections we had before, we never seem to be running short of those funny
‘out-of-circus employment’ clowns and the recent tri by-elections were no exception. If not for these phor-litiician dudes who brought me so much laughter, I guess I would have died suffering from BDS (Bandwidth deficiency syndrome) brought about by my slow-cumming STREAMYX!

How could I not laugh, reading about some ‘bey kian siao’ election candidate proclaiming to be the Obama of M’sia when the only similarity limpek could see was the just the dark skin? kekekeke!

Then, there was this
'niamah! nama-limpek tak-kenal' misinformed minister claiming that watching micro-mini skirted sexy ching-chong girls gyrating their butts on stage at election-rally dinners is no big deal but just a Chinese culture? Betul ke?

Maybe someone should misinform this misinformed minister with a ‘mini-stirring in his pants' again..that “Tiger-Show’ can be also Chinese culture ...hor? so why not have one for the coming BE leh? Can ar? Pleeeeeazzzee la! Just go and tell your new NUMERO UNO ‘ah hiah’ it is "cheep cheep MAI PAENG MAK" nia mah!

Monday, April 6, 2009

CONFUSION of the KONGFU KID













Having a Hongkie ‘mah cheh’ as my nanny for the first five years of my life, it was natural that I spoke nothing else but Cantonese (aka Kongfu or Kwongtung) back then as a kid. That, of course wasn’t a problem to me until I was big enough to wander out of my home and found the first SURPRISE of my life…… Niah-seng! The ‘whole world’ out there spoke Hokkien and a whole lot of other lingos that I could barely grasp!


So, learning multiple Chinese dialects all at the same time became the first survival test for this freshie of the neighborhood kids. It was fun.. but for my case, it was more like disastrously funny when I got the different dialects mixed up, causing confusions and wild twisted imaginations.


For instance, how was I to know that by TUA LIAP LANGs (literally translated as Big balls People) in the Hokkien dialect merely meant VIPs who were more often than not, local politicians phorliticians and NOT as I imagined and feared …people with monstrous growth in the ‘ballroom’ space of their pants looking like these? ..


These la! Truly Tua liap Langs we hormat.... not that talak bulu mia Samy Blu!






....and as if that was not enough to freak and fry my little brain, I had to muster enough guts to convince myself that those nyonya kuih 'LAMPAR UDANGs’ were (and still are) nothing more th
an just prawn dumplings with no testicles of any animal or prawns sacrificed in the preparation! Phew!


Lampar Udang- unwrapped and found it was not even 'ball-ish' in shape!









Even my own mother tongue was not spared of confusion. I once told my friends that my mum would ‘fark’ me with her cane if I were late… they went “huh?” apparently not knowing that
‘fark’ means ‘to beat/flog forcefully’ in my family’s Thoi-San Cantonese dialect! (so guys, don't go "OMG! Charles's daddy uses the F word" again!)

That wasn’t the only disastrous incident that I had when I tried substituting Cantonese equivalent for
Hokkien words I had yet to pick up at that early beginner’s stage. I didn’t know the Hokkien word for ‘FOLLOW’ and thought that it was okay and safe to replace it with the Cantonese word ‘KAN’. You can imagine the shock my young decent Hokkien neighbor had when I asked, “Gua eh sai KAN lu khee bo? (sounding like "Can I F@rk you off?" instead of the intended "Can I follow you?")

His suspicion of me as a foul mouth kid was again reiterated the following day while we were playing with plastercine modeling clay.
I had wanted to warn him not to ‘Press and ruin’ my creation…so I told him ‘Lu mai KAM LAN har’! (in Cantonese, KAM=PRESS and LAN= RUIN)

Those were the happy days when I was just young lad with no fear of shame in making mistakes, always happily annoying the neighborhood with my singing Lah-sa Sayang, Eh! Lah-sa Sayang sayang eh!”at a pitch they described as like ‘Hor Kooi Teh Tiok’ (victim of a ghost's squeeze!) - I bet my siblings would have done me away if murder was not already a legal crime back then for giving them such horrible torture that even the Japs would not use during WWII!



To that decent neighbor childhood friend who kept correcting me that it should be ‘Rasa Sayang’: You were wrong too! It’s RASUAH Sayang la!
Don’t believe? Go ask any Perakians especially that HEE BYE whore!







Sunday, March 22, 2009

Going Loco with the Lingo?




























Teachers going mad and crazy due to teaching subjects in English? For a second, I thought limpek’s old brain cells were giving up on me again, not registering correctly what I was reading.
Could it be actually ‘TEACHERS GOING BAD AND LAZY’ instead that I was misreading or they have misquoted? After all, how could anyone go loco learning a lingo?


Although the English language, as we all know is a crazy language with a grammar system of rules and principles that is even more complicated and scarier than my grandma, it is unlikely in my opinion, that it could have such a drastic effect on those teachers learning the language.





Instead, here’s what I suspect to be the possible cause of teachers going nutty actually….. the students' Ingrish!


If they don't go bonkers, they will probably be scratching their heads bald reading 'Ingrish no Kwailo can understand' such as this Ah Lian’s email to her cikgu-











Dear cikgu,

Last weak, my farder told me that the newspayper got say our teechers gone mad oledi becors they donno how to teech us Signs and Mads in Ingrish. At furs, I din belif my farder until I orso see your hensem face mad mad like that in the newspayper pigcher two gather with many many peeple wokking on the road all shauting dont one to teech us in Ingrish anymore. Why leh?

My farder say the polis shoot woter and orso tia gas at the cloud. I hope you were not hert and your health is in the well now.

I think cikgu shud continew teeching us in Ingrish becors if you chain to teech us in Bahasa same same like you teech us Akauns like that, we will surely cannot
ketchup and fial Signs and Mads orso. My farder orways say learning Ingrish is gud for us. He say can find gud job if we no how to reed and rite Ingrish.

By the way, sorree that I cannot e-meow you erliyer becors my farder say sins my Ingrish so gud he recordman me to go werk as Subtitle-riter for Ah kowpek’s pilot DVD compenis due ring the skool brake. After one weak, my boss say got people say my sub-title very gud, pay for one movie but get two stories. I cleber or not?


After werking there for a hole month I urn a lot of money orledi. I few so happy now becors got money to sellerbread my birds day this Fryday with my frens orledi.
Hope to see you back in skool when the holiday brake is over.



Ah Lian xoxo

Friday, March 13, 2009

Ah9pek & Ah9Soh TALKINGCOCK








Ah9Soh: OMG! Lou koong! …I can see the fine lines on my face liao! Like dat, I look old and ugly oledi la!

Ah9Pek: Aiya!Where got old leh? At least your eyesight is damn perfect macan still see those fine lines! hehehe!

Ah9Soh: I need to get some moisturizers, night cream, Retinol A and….

Ah9Pek: No need la! Buy me more Carlsberg beer better maa!.. Geh-len-tee you’ll always look beautiful like that Long Cool Dane when I 'm drunk enough!

Ah9Soh:
Where can? My breasts so small leh compared to that what- what long-kool dame!

Ah9Pek: Yalor hor, you're so flat...sometimes I cannot even see you orso when you turn sideways!

Ah9Soh: I’m wondering hor.. dunno whether good to go for breast enlargement or not leh? Whatchew think har, lou koong?

Ah9Pek:
No need la lou-phor.. Why don’t you try rubbing TOILET PAPERS in-between your boobs?

Ah9Soh:
Rubbing with TOILET PAPERS in between my boobs can make them bigger meh?

Ah9Pek: Well…it works on your bum, didn’t it?

Ah9Soh:
Cheh!! Don’t try to be farneee .. you better go make a jug of coffee for our breakfast la…

Ah9Pek:
Why it has to be me to make coffee and not you?

Ah9Soh:
Because I just found out the Bible says so ma..

Ah9Pek: Are you sure?

Ah9Soh:
YES! It says ‘HeBrews’, where got say SheBrews’ one leh?

Ah9Pek:
Niamah! Like that orso can la..you!

Ah9Soh:
Oh yes! I almost forgot.. We have to take a pair of your used dirty underwear to your lokter today!

Ah9Pek: Huh? Why need to take my used smelly underwear to my doctor?

Ah9Soh:
You forgot oledi ar? The lokter said he needs your sperm sample, urine sample and your stool sample ..
your underwear
all orso got maaa…!


Ah9Pek: No lou-phor, we must give the sperm sample in that bottle the doctor gave me la.

Ah9So
h: I know leh…lou koong, actually when you sleep oledi last night.. I tried with my right hand and then my left hand ..and even use my mouth..shake shake so long until my hands all tired still cannot come out leh!

Ah9Pek: You did what?

Ah9Soh: Aiya!! I tried to open that bottle the lokter gave you to wash lor…but the cap so tight cannot come out maa!


Ah9Pek: Sweat laa you!