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Thursday, April 30, 2009

When YOUNG men see VISIONS & OLD men dream DREAMS

Imagine the hilarious sight of a toothless seventy plus ahpek with his wrinkled face totally dolled-up in heavy feminine make-up and his dark skinny flat-chested body …dressed in a pink ballerina tutu! If his outrageous sight alone was not enough to make me LMAO, his amusing attempt to dance and twirl like a ballerina in his solo performance did just that!

That was one unforgettable odd but lovable character I met at the old folks’ home some 30 years ago. It was obvious that like many other inmates there, he was going through his second childhood and was thoroughly enjoying his twilight years as much as he could without being problematic to others, except for the stomach cramps we got from laughing at his antics.

Unfortunately, not all old chaps are that fun, lovable and harmless. Some can be very nasty, annoying, irritating, attention-seeking, trouble-makers as in the case of our ‘lau pu-se’ [老不死 ] toon lokter U-No-Hoo.

Niahseng! Like limpek haven’t had enough of his
foul flatulence coming out of his wrong end all those twenty-over donkey years, like he hasn’t done enough damage just yet, this old devil ’toon lokter U-No-Hoo' is back hogging the media limelight all over again!

Thank God that I have long liberated myself from those
TVtiga-suku and ‘Ah-ler-TM’ propagandistic news channels! If not, I guess I’ll be ranting and sending my regards to his mother so often that in the end I may have to rename my blog asKannilaubo’ instead of 9pek9bo!

Dunno why.... even with my abstinence from watching those
TVtiga-suku and ‘Ah-ler-TM’ fairy tales for children’ news, limpek found myself having very weird recurring nightmares of my very old discarded TV set showing a zombie who looked like him, sounded like him but it’s not him singing............

“It's close to midnighttttt…
and something evil's lurking in the dark!
On your TV tonight,
you see a sight that almost stops your heart
Cause this is diuu-ler!! Thriller night!

After the singing ended, the scene changed and those dancing zombies began morphing themselves into Chinese Ching dynasty costumed hopping zombies just like those in Chinese Vampires comedy movies of the 80's!

Okay..don’t ask me why I could have such weird nightmares. I’m entitled to it just as much as you young punks are entitled to your MP4s, camera phones, i-pods and i-whatever with LCD screen because it has been said, “....YOUNG MEN SHALL SEE VISIONS, and YOUR OLD MEN SHALL DREAM DREAMS...( not truly meant in this manner though, just borrowed the phrase!)

It's just another day for ranting randomly and obnoxiously about an awful dream, nothing to be taken seriously .....
Have a nice
day nightmare folks!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

April Jokes- just for laughs

This weblog may contain some profanities, smuts, expletives or whatever you want to call it as.....
If you are easily offended by vile & inappropriate languages and think that you'll surely end up burning in Hell because of it, Or, still a minor (underage, under-developed or 'Under-still not developed!') not understanding that the 4 LETTERS ‘F’ WORD that ends with a ‘K’ is NOT what you use together with a spoon, Please DO NOT CONTINUE!

Otherwise, proceed on and have a f*rking fun-time here.(Oops! I already warned ya..Didn't I?)

Towkeh-soh already had three unsuccessful marriages before. Her first husband was a wife-beater, the second an adulterer who finally ran away with that ‘chau char bor’ and the third was a total disappointment in bed!

So being smarter now,
Towkeh-soh makes sure she includes certain requirements when she places an advert for a new life partner in the papers.

“Forty-something Rich divorced woman looking for new husband who will not beat her, run away from her and is good in bed” it said.

Two weeks later, while
Towkeh-soh is enjoying her favorite TV show at home, she hears her doorbell rings. She opens the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs.

“Yes? Wat-chew want?” she asks.

“Hi, I’m Mr. Wan Long Dik, and I’m here about your advert in the papers.”

“You got meet my requirements meh?” Towkeh-soh asks.

“Well, I have no arms so cannot beat you lor, and I have no legs to run away from you, even if I want to orso cannot maa.” he replies.

“But how do I know you’re good in bed leh?” she asks.

Mr. Wan Long Dik, “Aiyo! Aboden, how do you think I rang the doorbell.. har?

Ah 9Pek: Oei! AhLek, you look worried today.. what’s the ploblem har?

AhLek: jialat liao la! .. my wife dunwan to “ahem-ahem” with me on Sunday orledi!

Ah 9Pek:: Why leh?

AhLek: because yesterday hor, her priest says SEX on the Sabbath is a sin because SEX is considered as WORK!

Ah 9Pek: Niamah, like dat orso can! What does a priest know about SEX Where got such thing one?

AhLek: They say SEX is production of lives…WORK maa and therefore not allowed on Sabbath Sunday lor.

Ah 9Pek: SEX is definitely play la.. Aiya! if your wife thinks it is WORK, then ask her to tell your young Indon maid to do for you lor!

AhLek: ya hor...WORK nia mahh hor?…hahahah!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

B.E. Satu Lagi!!

Before those PR supporters could finish with their “YAMMMMMSENG!” or even before Semi-TalakBulu and his long lost... one little, two little, three little .............. cousin in Perak could both finish cursing in their Kerling lingo on the outcome of the recent tri By-Elections (BE), another one is already looming near … right in my home state, Penang!

Okay..okay...For the benefit of those
DOTAland alien korkor-chyes & those QQ KAWAiians mooi-moois who are still 'blur-blur' not knowing what’s going on beyond DOTAland and FRIENDSTERland: We just had NOT one, but THREE by-elections ALL AT ONE GO earlier this month to fill the vacant seats left by some YBs, who either had an early earthly departure or… probable fear of an early earthly departure! (you guess this one out yourself!)

In fact, within a short period of just a year since the Tsunami General Election, we already had five exciting BEs and gosh!...The score is PR leading BN by 4-1! Kanneh! Limpek's beginning to like By-Elections a lot! It’s so blardy addictive! Judging from the large turnout at the rallies I think BE is fast becoming the favorite pastime of Malaysians these days!

Never have I seen such huge multiracial crowds muhibah-ing since those ‘zaman MerzaguaMalaysia Cup days, where we thronged into stadiums to cheer hysterically at goals even our rheumatoid grandmas could catch! How I missed them! (I mean those carnival-like truly united OneM’sia atmosphere, NOT those rheumatoid grandmas.. ok?)

Whether it was for the 'comradie' feelings or the carnival festive mood, By-election's activities these days are phenomenally pulling crowds by the thousands! It looked like fun, sounded like fun and ... niamah! sometimes it's so irresistibly fun that even our BIG BLUE BOYS are joining in to have fun with their 'water-shooting toys' and LEGO ROAD blocks too!

Thanks to the great gods ..err...Lord GODamnit & Lord GODblok, I managed to keep myself updated about all the 'fun' in the net despite my STREAMYX broadband connection was (and still fcukingly is) weak throughout the entire run-up period and on Polling day on April 7!
Broadband huh? I think the situation here is more like a band of broads waiting in line for a Viagra-starved dead old cock instead! Jialat!

As it was, just like all other elections we had before, we never seem to be running short of those funny
‘out-of-circus employment’ clowns and the recent tri by-elections were no exception. If not for these phor-litiician dudes who brought me so much laughter, I guess I would have died suffering from BDS (Bandwidth deficiency syndrome) brought about by my slow-cumming STREAMYX!

How could I not laugh, reading about some ‘bey kian siao’ election candidate proclaiming to be the Obama of M’sia when the only similarity limpek could see was the just the dark skin? kekekeke!

Then, there was this
'niamah! nama-limpek tak-kenal' misinformed minister claiming that watching micro-mini skirted sexy ching-chong girls gyrating their butts on stage at election-rally dinners is no big deal but just a Chinese culture? Betul ke?

Maybe someone should misinform this misinformed minister with a ‘mini-stirring in his pants' again..that “Tiger-Show’ can be also Chinese culture ...hor? so why not have one for the coming BE leh? Can ar? Pleeeeeazzzee la! Just go and tell your new NUMERO UNO ‘ah hiah’ it is "cheep cheep MAI PAENG MAK" nia mah!

Monday, April 6, 2009


Having a Hongkie ‘mah cheh’ as my nanny for the first five years of my life, it was natural that I spoke nothing else but Cantonese (aka Kongfu or Kwongtung) back then as a kid. That, of course wasn’t a problem to me until I was big enough to wander out of my home and found the first SURPRISE of my life…… Niah-seng! The ‘whole world’ out there spoke Hokkien and a whole lot of other lingos that I could barely grasp!

So, learning multiple Chinese dialects all at the same time became the first survival test for this freshie of the neighborhood kids. It was fun.. but for my case, it was more like disastrously funny when I got the different dialects mixed up, causing confusions and wild twisted imaginations.

For instance, how was I to know that by TUA LIAP LANGs (literally translated as Big balls People) in the Hokkien dialect merely meant VIPs who were more often than not, local politicians phorliticians and NOT as I imagined and feared …people with monstrous growth in the ‘ballroom’ space of their pants looking like these? ..

These la! Truly Tua liap Langs we hormat.... not that talak bulu mia Samy Blu!

....and as if that was not enough to freak and fry my little brain, I had to muster enough guts to convince myself that those nyonya kuih 'LAMPAR UDANGs’ were (and still are) nothing more th
an just prawn dumplings with no testicles of any animal or prawns sacrificed in the preparation! Phew!

Lampar Udang- unwrapped and found it was not even 'ball-ish' in shape!

Even my own mother tongue was not spared of confusion. I once told my friends that my mum would ‘fark’ me with her cane if I were late… they went “huh?” apparently not knowing that
‘fark’ means ‘to beat/flog forcefully’ in my family’s Thoi-San Cantonese dialect! (so guys, don't go "OMG! Charles's daddy uses the F word" again!)

That wasn’t the only disastrous incident that I had when I tried substituting Cantonese equivalent for
Hokkien words I had yet to pick up at that early beginner’s stage. I didn’t know the Hokkien word for ‘FOLLOW’ and thought that it was okay and safe to replace it with the Cantonese word ‘KAN’. You can imagine the shock my young decent Hokkien neighbor had when I asked, “Gua eh sai KAN lu khee bo? (sounding like "Can I F@rk you off?" instead of the intended "Can I follow you?")

His suspicion of me as a foul mouth kid was again reiterated the following day while we were playing with plastercine modeling clay.
I had wanted to warn him not to ‘Press and ruin’ my creation…so I told him ‘Lu mai KAM LAN har’! (in Cantonese, KAM=PRESS and LAN= RUIN)

Those were the happy days when I was just young lad with no fear of shame in making mistakes, always happily annoying the neighborhood with my singing Lah-sa Sayang, Eh! Lah-sa Sayang sayang eh!”at a pitch they described as like ‘Hor Kooi Teh Tiok’ (victim of a ghost's squeeze!) - I bet my siblings would have done me away if murder was not already a legal crime back then for giving them such horrible torture that even the Japs would not use during WWII!

To that decent neighbor childhood friend who kept correcting me that it should be ‘Rasa Sayang’: You were wrong too! It’s RASUAH Sayang la!
Don’t believe? Go ask any Perakians especially that HEE BYE whore!