Robert's LAUsy Sunday!

 

“Gandhi-lauboh!”  No no, I wasn’t calling out for Gandhi’s mom. It was just one of those swearing Sundays I woke up to… gandhi-lauboh-ing every time I read about how our tax monies were being used to fish for votes in another By Buy-Election!

Honestly, I have no qualms about politicians pledging our tax monies for flood mitigation projects or assisting some schools but do we always have to wait for some elected YB reps to get ‘tapao-ed’ and really gone YB (yonder below) first before such financial aid comes around to these deserving needy situations?

The night before, I went to bed feeling disgusted and as sore as Saifool’s ass when I read that even the churches were not spared in their last minute Buy-election shopping spree!

By dangling a RM1.7 million carrot in grants, what were they expecting my 'Yeh-Soh hengdais’ (brothers in Christ) in Sibu, Sarawak do on polling day? Vote against their conscience and integrity because Santa in WonderBolehland promised them goodies if they be 'good’?

If you asked me, for insulting the integrity of my religion, my revulsive reaction would have made me do otherwise and also mark the ballot paper in this manner (see pic below) as a hint of my unhappiness...

....hmmm that would have made the ballot counting process that night a little more religious when counting agents start exclaiming “OMG! Jesus Christ!"…  hahahaha!( Just kidding nia...I would not want to risk my ballot getting rejected for putting anything else other than an 'X' on it...LOL!)




Having uncomfortably placed in such an awkward position with the integrity of the church at stake, I would not be surprised if the sermon on that Sunday polling morning went funny like this …

"Folks, the subject of my sermon this morning is on Christian integrity and honesty.

How many of you here this morning have read the 69th Chapter of Mathew?"

and when hands in the congregation were raised....

"You are just the folks I want to preach to before you go to the polling station today,"

"There ain`t no 69th Chapter of Mathew!."

Anyway, right from the very second I jumped out of bed I got my eyes practically 'glued' to my monitor following the polling day events from Anilnetto.com live.

For me, it was far more exciting than watching the Thomas Cup live telecast games and God must have heard my silent prayer masked beneath all my 'gandhi-lauboh' cursings..it was indeed Robert's LAUsy Sunday... he lost and  WE WON!

Exodus 23:8
And you shall take no bribe, for a bribe blinds the clear-sighted
and subverts the cause of those who are in the right.

Happy "Niamah' Day!

Oh no! I didn’t die of starvation living on just salads and neither was I sick nor losing interest in this blog. On the contrary, the reason for my inconsistency in 9pek9bo-ing here lately is all because I 'got rejuvenated' and have been kept busy, catching up with so many things in life that I was missing.

And no, I didn't get to be like that guy in the movie 17 again, but I did get back enough energy and spirit to rediscover the enthusiasm in life once again and even managed to drag my old butt out of the four walls of my abode more frequently.. Have been checking out all the activities I have been missing one by one...I am all fired up! Get ready world, here comes the Mambo-9pek9bo ! (errr...I mean as soon as I find my Latin ballroom shoes...lol!)

I even started and done a few weekly postings on this new web log I created for the DAP Air Itam Community here- www.airitamdap.blogspot.com 

As I look back now, I bless the day I gave up and handed all my worries and woes to my YEH_SO kor. When I said I had to ‘LET GO’ and LET GOD’, I really did just that! Now, except for my slightly wrong size pants which tends to fall off because of my slimmer shape (ahem!), most things in my life are slowly falling back to place! Amen!

In fact, successfully shedding 6 kg of unwanted stubborn fats has brought me so much joy that I feel like throwing a kenduri feast to celebrate!  But then again, doesn’t that idea of fattening my friends with a feast to celebrate my success in losing weight seem greatly evil on my part? That would be advocating the selfish thought of not only must I succeed, but others must fail, isn't it? hahaha!


Anyway, It's Mother’s Day…so here is wishing all those wonderful loving mothers, a very HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Though sadly, I do not have my mom here anymore to celebrate this special day.. but what I’ll be doing tomorrow will be something that she would be happy to know from wherever she is now because it was through her coaxing and suggestion that I started volunteering my service and became a 'Rocketeer' almost 30 years ago!

Come tomorrow, I will be joining my comrades once again just like in the past few weeks…

volunteering our service in the streets...........

at the night market ........

......and yo! at the mall too, as volunteers for the JOM DAFTAR UNDI drive!......Urging and getting those young eligible Malaysian citizens to register as voters so that they can collectively make this country a better place for everyone! 

So guys, if you are 21 and above, Malaysian citizen and have yet to register... Don't miss this opportunity to register to make your voice counts. Let's kickass through the ballot box! 
(err...believe me, they don't count how many kanninehs, niamahs and diuniasengs you can muster, but just the ballot votes on polling day!)

Reinventing myself!

Jboy has been telling dad here to get out more often and enjoy the healthy sunshine instead of living a reclusive life and getting nowhere except into depression!

Niamah! Doesn’t he know that the sun in ‘Bolehland’ here doesn’t just shine? It practically burns, sears and scorches! So wtf is so healthy about getting his dad scorched out there huh? Come to think of it, who says we don't have a four seasons climate here? We actually have and they are called Hot, Blardy hot, Farking hot and Blardy farking HOT!

In response to his never-ending nagging that I should get back into shape and into that 'full-of-action and positively energized' dad I used to be ......

I went, “Wei! Does this slightly pot-belled fei-loh with a weaken left leg that needs to be massaged twice a week resembles anything close to that ex-catwalk model cum latin ballroom dancer dad you once had before?” hoping that he could at least say a soft “yes” before any ‘but’ follows in his reply. But niasing, all I got was “ errr,…err…” and lots of laughter...

Finally, sometime just after the Chinese New year, I relented and heeded his advice. He was right, I need to re-invent my life again! The first thing I knew I had to do was to improve on my physique, to reshape before it is too late.

It has not surprised me at all that the latest survey shows that 60% of Malaysians are either overweight or obese because the only thing I observed being 'Truly Malaysia' these days is seeing Malaysians morphing into the exact contour shape of the Malaysia peninsula! Truly 1 fat Malaysia indeed! hahaha!





It must be the power of vanity that drove me into doing something I thought I would never do ....I started changing my eating habits and stuck strictly to these 3 GOLDEN RULES of dieting like they were some missing commandments of God that Moses had missed!

No more EXCESSIVE CARBOHYDRATES which means
less rice, less noodles, less capati......
Okay, okay..I know this sounds suicidal to many of you..lol!

nor deep fried stuffs ..
no KFC, no goreng pisang. goreng ubi or goreng whatever...

and no more excessive intake of sugar...
Only now I know the meaning of 'chneah'
in the coffee-shop lingo..

Instead I started taking something I hated all my life...VEGES!


My lunch these days....
a colorful assortment of veges...and fruits too (Thai Mangoes are my favorite!)






.....with eggs and mackerel fish added for more protein.

While such diet is helping me to get back my shape externally, it is important that my body is fed with plenty of good essential nutrients. Otherwise, I will be just as good as a blardee recon old car...looking cool but the engine and parts inside are falling apart! So, I started on a *Nutritious drink and herbal program to replace my breakfast and sometimes my dinner as well....


The result? ... An amazing lost of 5 kgs in 7 weeks!.....
with the pot belly and the 'spare-tire' ring around my waist...finally GONE! Luckily I didn't throw away those pants I outgrew in the recent years because I knew all along that someday we will reunite like lovers often do...hahahahaha!


Even my face got slimmer and fats are disappearing from my neck too... lol!
Pic on left taken just before Chinese New Year at nephew Jeremy's wedding.
Pic on right taken last week while visiting the Sisters of the poor Home for the elderly.

Now my son keeps saying I look younger...so I told him maybe he should introduce me as his 'kor-kor'(brother) instead of ‘lou tau’(dad) when we meet his friends from now on..hahahahaha!

Xin Nian Dao le, so..Can I fook you?

Xin Nian Dao le.....so, Can I f__k you?

errr…… I mean "The new year is here, so Can I fook you?”

Wait!…Hold your horses! Before you start accusing me of being hardcore vulgar and that I am offering my salacious proposal here, let me explain….

Actually, what I am trying to say is...
“Can I 福 you?” to ask whether I can wish you Good blessing or fortune.[ 祝福 -chok fook in Cantonese]

After all, it's Chinese New year, a time where we traditionally go happily ‘fook-ing’ one another..don't we? hahaha!




And for a bit of info on the Chinese 'ching-chong' tradition........

The Chinese character 福 (fook) means ‘Good Fortune’, 'Blessing' or ‘Happiness’ and sometimes this 福 symbol is invertedly hung or pasted as a decorative item since an upside down ‘fook’ read as FU DAO in Mandarin, sounds very similar to the words ‘FORTUNE arrived! So there you are, we Chinese have fun ‘fook-ing upside down’ everything in sight to bring good omen! hahaha!


Hanging or pasting the inverted 福'Fook' symbol everywhere...on containers, on the doors, on the walls...and Oops! someone must have pasted one on the butt of baby 'Small[sai]Foo' too..that would explain a lot of things these days! LOL!



The Story behind....
...... the Upside Down 'Fook' symbol I mean and not Small[sai] Foo's butt...ok?

The ‘Fook-ing upside down’ custom originated from this story which happened during the reign of emperor Zhu Yuan Zhang of the Ming dynasty (limpek mia 朱Zhu ancestor, if you need to know...lol!)

One day, to keep in touch with the outside world, Emperor Zhu masqueraded himself, hiding his royal identity he went about ‘kaypo-ing’ in the streets of his kingdom. (hmmm.. niaseng, I bet he was actually out there looking for the best Bak-kua, tee kueh or kueh kapek in town to celebrate CNY!.)

Anyway, back to the story…. the Emperor got very ‘toolan’ (exasperated) when he came upon a poster ridiculing his wife, the Empress! The enraged emperor Zhu ordered his ‘macai’ (soldiers) to investigate and to trace who were those ‘boh-kasi-hamkalings’ responsible for making a joke out of his wife, the Empress!

Before long the culprits were traced and their homes identified. The emperor ordered his macais to mark the culprits’ home by pasting a 福 ‘Fook’ symbol on their doors that night so that they could return to fry their asses the next day!

Upon hearing this, the kind, tolerant and forgiving Empress quickly went into action to save the very lives of those culprits who had angered her husband for ridiculing her. That night, she secretly sent her own ‘macais’ out to order every household to paste the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol on their doors too as to confuse the infuriated emperor and his soldiers when they come looking for asses to fry the next day..



As it happened, most of the villagers were 'sipek sorhai bo tak chek' (stupid illiterates).... in their hurry, they mistakenly pasted the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol upside down without even realizing it.

Emperor Zhu was confused and even more ‘toolan’ (enraged) when he saw the inverted 福 symbol the next day but before he could go, “Kannineh, limpek now so toolan .......” the Empress quickly said....... "Aiya, hubby lou-koong.... See la, the villagers are so happy knowing that their most loved emperor is coming, they even pasted the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol upside down to mean your visit is like the arrival of Good fortune and happiness to them!”

The Emperor was so ‘shiok-ed’ (delighted) with the explanation, he forgave the offenders. Asses saved and thus started this trend of ‘Fooking upside down’ to bring good omen during the celebration of the Chinese New Year.

End of story... Have a wonderful '福-ing' CHINESE NEW YEAR!

GONGXIFACAI!

Y? Y? Tell me Why!

Back 9pek9bo-ing here again but….errrr…ermmm… wadda-efff was I planning to write just minutes ago? (scratching head......)

Sei lor! Am I having early signs of the Alzheimer’s disease or is it just a post depression thingy? No wonder my son always says “Lou tau, I think you nyanyuk (dementia) oledi laa!”..and when he said it again last night I was quick to hantam balik (shot back) "No la..I don't think so, I can still recall very well the incident last week at the pasar malam where your friend mistaken me for your brother leh!" hahahaha!

Niamah! Why is it so easy for me to forget the things I need to remember and yet so hard to forget the awful things that need to be forgotten?

Oh, fuck a duck! Here I go again… letting the PAST steal my PRESENT, wasting tears for griefs of yesterdays…..guess I better ‘duck the fuck’ instead and change my mental frequency here to think of something funny to post instead… (Well, they say 'Shared grief is half the sorrow, but when HAPPINESS is shared, it's DOUBLED!)

But really…. come to think of it, there are so many unanswerable 'whys' in life, with some so perplexingly funny too.

Recently a close friend called to tell me the great news that his wife is pregnant and I asked, “ Weiiii! Did you notice that her friends all came to rub her stomach as they congratulated her but kannineh, why none of them came to rub your d1cky and say ‘Well done’ or ‘Good job’ huh or even 'Good SHOT!' to be precise?”

Since I mentioned about that Alzheimer's disease …It’s baffling me why more money is now being spent on researching how to enlarge the size of ladies boobs and resurrecting men's dead dicks than on finding a cure for this horrible disease?

I have no complains about those B (Barely Boobs) cup size ladies going for breast implants …but I can’t understand why those already being gifted with a C (Can’t Complain) cup size risking their lives to have a heavy pair of F’s (Farking Fakes) (o)(o)?

Neither am I complaining about those impotent grandpas telling me that they are going to China to find err...some new found relatives, some ‘piao-meis’ (cousin sisters) with the help of ‘brother Wei’ (WEI KER a.k.a Viagra) but isn’t it more important that these impotent grandpas pay more attention to their hardened arteries and rising blood pressure instead of their hardened dickies and up-rising pleasures?

With ladies engrossed in enlarging boobs, men busy strengthening or lengthening their old flag poles and nobody interested in finding a cure for the Alzheimer's disease now, hmmmmm.... by the year 2040, won't we be seeing a lot of old nyanyuk (dementia) grandmas with BIG saggy boobs and old nyanyuk grandpas with huge erections, all absolutely having no recollection of what to do with them? … hahahaha!



But...the mother or all whys in my mind now which is kind of disturbing is ... Why I rather not tell you the title of this movie I gonna watch as soon as I finish posting this! Please don't ask me WHY..ok?

<<<< See for yourself,..how to tell you the title leh?

AhLian & AhHwei jokes

_____________AH LIAN & 3 AhBENGS

Ah Lian is at a party and three hamsup ahbengs are like flies swarming around her flirtatiously.

Noticing that the ahbengs are ogling at her body.. she decides to have some fun with them. She proposes that if they give her RM5 each, she will show them her legs.

The humsap-chau Ahbengs, charmed by this young girl, each quickly gives her a five ringgit note. Ah Lian pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you ‘hensem’ will give me 10 ringgit, I'll show you my thighs,"

Those chau-ahbengs being what they are, all pull out a 10 ringgit note for her.

Ah Lian then pulls up her dress all the way to her undies making those ahbengs drooling like dogs.

Then Ah Lian says, "If you will give me 100 ringgit each, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis".

Naturally, without hesitation all three fork over the money.

Then Ah Lian turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There lor!"


_______________AH HWEI'S STUTTERING

Ah Lian accompanies Ah Hwei to meet up with her new found FB friend, Ah Beng.

Ah Hwei: I.. I…I.. vvvverry ssssked la…

Ah Lian: No nid to be sked one la..why chew so sked?

Ah Hwei: af-af-after ar-ar-ar-Ah Beng finds out I-I-I ss-ss-s.-stutter when I-I-I speak, how leh?

Ah Lian: AiYa! Ah Hwei, stutter nia ma.. people can understand what chew say one la, even my cat and my neighbor’s dog also stutter la..but they also understand each other.

Ah Hwei:How-how-how chew know?

Ah Lian: Whenever my cat is playing with the ball, that stupid dog will surely cross over to our porch and goes “Grrrr…grrrr grrr”,
..............but before he can finish saying “Grow up!” my cat will go “Ffffff, Fffffff, Ffffff”.

That stupid dog also understands and leaves before my cat can finish saying her “ffffF...CK OFF!”




____________AH HWEI & AH MAH

Ah Hwei comes downstairs after putting on her new ‘see-thru’ blouse and not wearing any bra to go to a party.

Ah Mah(grandmother) is enraged ….seeing red instead of Ah Hwei's pair of pink…….. , tells her NOT to go out exposing herself like that to all those chau- ahbengs at the party.

Ah Hwei tells her gram, “Ayo! ah mah, nowadays horrr…people not like your time or-ledi. These are modern times, and modern girls are proud to show off their pair of ‘pears’ to their friends one la.” and out she goes before Ah Mah can say anything.

The next morning, when Ah Hwei comes downstairs, grandma is sitting on her arm chair …topless.!


Ah Hwei: “OMG! Ah mah, what-chew doo-ing? How can you go half-naked in the living room like that? My friends are coming over soon…I’ll die if they see my grandma walking around half naked!”

Ah Mah: “Ayoh, Ah Mah orso wants to keep up with the modern times ma…. if your friends like to see your 'pears', I'm sure they'll love seeing Ah Mah's hanging PAPAYAS too.”

Little SorKow JOKES

"Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain" (John Lithgow in Third Rock From the Sun)











______________________Little Sor Kow & Ah Mah.


9 year old Little Sor Kow ‘balik kampung’ and was staying with his Ah Mah (grandmother) for the school holidays.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his grandma….

'Ah Mah, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'


Choi! She was a little taken aback, but thinking that since Little Sor Kow is from Khay-El city and before long he will probably learn it from someone else anyhow, she decided to tell him the truth.
"Errrr… It's called ‘SEX' la."

Little Sor Kow said, "Oh, ok" and went back outside to play with the other kampung kids outside.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Ah Mah, why you bluff me one?…
It is NOT called ‘SEX' la, It's called bunk beds!…..
and Ah Huat's mum said she wants to talk to you."


__________________________Little Sor Kow & little Sor KowKow



Little Sor Kow with his four year old bro, little Sor KowKow tagging along, went into the local store.. grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register counter to pay.

The cashier: These must be for your mommy..right?

Little Sor Kow: no la…

The cashier: for your sister ar?

Little Sor Kow: orso not for her la…

The cashier: If they're not for your mommy and not for your sister, who are they for?

Little Sor Kow: Errr…errr… they are for my 4 years old brother here.

The cashier: For your brother? OMG! Do you really know what are these?

Little Sor Kow: Well, yeah! They say on TV …. if you wear one of these you can swim and ride a bike with ease and comfort ….and my little brother here dunno how to swim or write bike yet.




_______________________'F' for maths!


















Little Sor KowKow returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why lidat?" asks the father, Kowpek.

Little Sor KowKow: The teacher asked me, "How much is 2 x 3?" ....

and I said '6!'

Kowpek: "But that's right!"

Little Sor KowKow: Then she asked me, "How much is 3 x 2?"

Kowpek: DIUuuuuuuu! Isn't that the same? Kanineh!! Teacher Soooo stooopid one!

Little Sor KowKow: That's exactly what I said and she gave me an 'F' lor!

THINGs are to be USED, PEOPLE to be LOVED!

Oops! I thought I was able to collect back my heart from God’s garage but it has to be recalled back again for other flaws …So there goes not only my heart but my funny bone as well again!

So, instead of some funny thingy you get to read here, I have chosen to share with you this wonderful story I've just read- (get your tissues ready..)

USE THINGS vs LOVE PEOPLE

While a man was washing and polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car.

In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times without realizing he was using a wrench he was holding in his hand.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father, with painful eyes he asked, “Dad when will my fingers grow back?”

The man was so hurt and speechless seeing what he has done, he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.

Devastated by his own actions...... sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had actually written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

The next day that man committed suicide. . .









The moral of this sad story is - THINGS are to be USED and PEOPLE are to be LOVED and NOT the other way round!

The problem in today's world is that people are used while things are loved! Jialat!

Have a nice day and stop looking silly using your comb to scratch while using your fingers to comb... OK? hahaha!

HAPPY NEW 2010!

Dear friends & visitors,

Here are my sincere ‘9pek9bo’ New Year wishes... cracked my old 2009 brain thinking them out just for you!
Have a Happy New 2010 Year folks!