Xin Nian Dao le, so..Can I fook you?

Xin Nian Dao le.....so, Can I f__k you?

errr…… I mean "The new year is here, so Can I fook you?”

Wait!…Hold your horses! Before you start accusing me of being hardcore vulgar and that I am offering my salacious proposal here, let me explain….

Actually, what I am trying to say is...
“Can I 福 you?” to ask whether I can wish you Good blessing or fortune.[ 祝福 -chok fook in Cantonese]

After all, it's Chinese New year, a time where we traditionally go happily ‘fook-ing’ one another..don't we? hahaha!




And for a bit of info on the Chinese 'ching-chong' tradition........

The Chinese character 福 (fook) means ‘Good Fortune’, 'Blessing' or ‘Happiness’ and sometimes this 福 symbol is invertedly hung or pasted as a decorative item since an upside down ‘fook’ read as FU DAO in Mandarin, sounds very similar to the words ‘FORTUNE arrived! So there you are, we Chinese have fun ‘fook-ing upside down’ everything in sight to bring good omen! hahaha!


Hanging or pasting the inverted 福'Fook' symbol everywhere...on containers, on the doors, on the walls...and Oops! someone must have pasted one on the butt of baby 'Small[sai]Foo' too..that would explain a lot of things these days! LOL!



The Story behind....
...... the Upside Down 'Fook' symbol I mean and not Small[sai] Foo's butt...ok?

The ‘Fook-ing upside down’ custom originated from this story which happened during the reign of emperor Zhu Yuan Zhang of the Ming dynasty (limpek mia 朱Zhu ancestor, if you need to know...lol!)

One day, to keep in touch with the outside world, Emperor Zhu masqueraded himself, hiding his royal identity he went about ‘kaypo-ing’ in the streets of his kingdom. (hmmm.. niaseng, I bet he was actually out there looking for the best Bak-kua, tee kueh or kueh kapek in town to celebrate CNY!.)

Anyway, back to the story…. the Emperor got very ‘toolan’ (exasperated) when he came upon a poster ridiculing his wife, the Empress! The enraged emperor Zhu ordered his ‘macai’ (soldiers) to investigate and to trace who were those ‘boh-kasi-hamkalings’ responsible for making a joke out of his wife, the Empress!

Before long the culprits were traced and their homes identified. The emperor ordered his macais to mark the culprits’ home by pasting a 福 ‘Fook’ symbol on their doors that night so that they could return to fry their asses the next day!

Upon hearing this, the kind, tolerant and forgiving Empress quickly went into action to save the very lives of those culprits who had angered her husband for ridiculing her. That night, she secretly sent her own ‘macais’ out to order every household to paste the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol on their doors too as to confuse the infuriated emperor and his soldiers when they come looking for asses to fry the next day..



As it happened, most of the villagers were 'sipek sorhai bo tak chek' (stupid illiterates).... in their hurry, they mistakenly pasted the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol upside down without even realizing it.

Emperor Zhu was confused and even more ‘toolan’ (enraged) when he saw the inverted 福 symbol the next day but before he could go, “Kannineh, limpek now so toolan .......” the Empress quickly said....... "Aiya, hubby lou-koong.... See la, the villagers are so happy knowing that their most loved emperor is coming, they even pasted the 福 ‘Fook’ symbol upside down to mean your visit is like the arrival of Good fortune and happiness to them!”

The Emperor was so ‘shiok-ed’ (delighted) with the explanation, he forgave the offenders. Asses saved and thus started this trend of ‘Fooking upside down’ to bring good omen during the celebration of the Chinese New Year.

End of story... Have a wonderful '福-ing' CHINESE NEW YEAR!

GONGXIFACAI!

Y? Y? Tell me Why!

Back 9pek9bo-ing here again but….errrr…ermmm… wadda-efff was I planning to write just minutes ago? (scratching head......)

Sei lor! Am I having early signs of the Alzheimer’s disease or is it just a post depression thingy? No wonder my son always says “Lou tau, I think you nyanyuk (dementia) oledi laa!”..and when he said it again last night I was quick to hantam balik (shot back) "No la..I don't think so, I can still recall very well the incident last week at the pasar malam where your friend mistaken me for your brother leh!" hahahaha!

Niamah! Why is it so easy for me to forget the things I need to remember and yet so hard to forget the awful things that need to be forgotten?

Oh, fuck a duck! Here I go again… letting the PAST steal my PRESENT, wasting tears for griefs of yesterdays…..guess I better ‘duck the fuck’ instead and change my mental frequency here to think of something funny to post instead… (Well, they say 'Shared grief is half the sorrow, but when HAPPINESS is shared, it's DOUBLED!)

But really…. come to think of it, there are so many unanswerable 'whys' in life, with some so perplexingly funny too.

Recently a close friend called to tell me the great news that his wife is pregnant and I asked, “ Weiiii! Did you notice that her friends all came to rub her stomach as they congratulated her but kannineh, why none of them came to rub your d1cky and say ‘Well done’ or ‘Good job’ huh or even 'Good SHOT!' to be precise?”

Since I mentioned about that Alzheimer's disease …It’s baffling me why more money is now being spent on researching how to enlarge the size of ladies boobs and resurrecting men's dead dicks than on finding a cure for this horrible disease?

I have no complains about those B (Barely Boobs) cup size ladies going for breast implants …but I can’t understand why those already being gifted with a C (Can’t Complain) cup size risking their lives to have a heavy pair of F’s (Farking Fakes) (o)(o)?

Neither am I complaining about those impotent grandpas telling me that they are going to China to find err...some new found relatives, some ‘piao-meis’ (cousin sisters) with the help of ‘brother Wei’ (WEI KER a.k.a Viagra) but isn’t it more important that these impotent grandpas pay more attention to their hardened arteries and rising blood pressure instead of their hardened dickies and up-rising pleasures?

With ladies engrossed in enlarging boobs, men busy strengthening or lengthening their old flag poles and nobody interested in finding a cure for the Alzheimer's disease now, hmmmmm.... by the year 2040, won't we be seeing a lot of old nyanyuk (dementia) grandmas with BIG saggy boobs and old nyanyuk grandpas with huge erections, all absolutely having no recollection of what to do with them? … hahahaha!



But...the mother or all whys in my mind now which is kind of disturbing is ... Why I rather not tell you the title of this movie I gonna watch as soon as I finish posting this! Please don't ask me WHY..ok?

<<<< See for yourself,..how to tell you the title leh?

AhLian & AhHwei jokes

_____________AH LIAN & 3 AhBENGS

Ah Lian is at a party and three hamsup ahbengs are like flies swarming around her flirtatiously.

Noticing that the ahbengs are ogling at her body.. she decides to have some fun with them. She proposes that if they give her RM5 each, she will show them her legs.

The humsap-chau Ahbengs, charmed by this young girl, each quickly gives her a five ringgit note. Ah Lian pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you ‘hensem’ will give me 10 ringgit, I'll show you my thighs,"

Those chau-ahbengs being what they are, all pull out a 10 ringgit note for her.

Ah Lian then pulls up her dress all the way to her undies making those ahbengs drooling like dogs.

Then Ah Lian says, "If you will give me 100 ringgit each, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis".

Naturally, without hesitation all three fork over the money.

Then Ah Lian turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There lor!"


_______________AH HWEI'S STUTTERING

Ah Lian accompanies Ah Hwei to meet up with her new found FB friend, Ah Beng.

Ah Hwei: I.. I…I.. vvvverry ssssked la…

Ah Lian: No nid to be sked one la..why chew so sked?

Ah Hwei: af-af-after ar-ar-ar-Ah Beng finds out I-I-I ss-ss-s.-stutter when I-I-I speak, how leh?

Ah Lian: AiYa! Ah Hwei, stutter nia ma.. people can understand what chew say one la, even my cat and my neighbor’s dog also stutter la..but they also understand each other.

Ah Hwei:How-how-how chew know?

Ah Lian: Whenever my cat is playing with the ball, that stupid dog will surely cross over to our porch and goes “Grrrr…grrrr grrr”,
..............but before he can finish saying “Grow up!” my cat will go “Ffffff, Fffffff, Ffffff”.

That stupid dog also understands and leaves before my cat can finish saying her “ffffF...CK OFF!”




____________AH HWEI & AH MAH

Ah Hwei comes downstairs after putting on her new ‘see-thru’ blouse and not wearing any bra to go to a party.

Ah Mah(grandmother) is enraged ….seeing red instead of Ah Hwei's pair of pink…….. , tells her NOT to go out exposing herself like that to all those chau- ahbengs at the party.

Ah Hwei tells her gram, “Ayo! ah mah, nowadays horrr…people not like your time or-ledi. These are modern times, and modern girls are proud to show off their pair of ‘pears’ to their friends one la.” and out she goes before Ah Mah can say anything.

The next morning, when Ah Hwei comes downstairs, grandma is sitting on her arm chair …topless.!


Ah Hwei: “OMG! Ah mah, what-chew doo-ing? How can you go half-naked in the living room like that? My friends are coming over soon…I’ll die if they see my grandma walking around half naked!”

Ah Mah: “Ayoh, Ah Mah orso wants to keep up with the modern times ma…. if your friends like to see your 'pears', I'm sure they'll love seeing Ah Mah's hanging PAPAYAS too.”

Little SorKow JOKES

"Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain" (John Lithgow in Third Rock From the Sun)











______________________Little Sor Kow & Ah Mah.


9 year old Little Sor Kow ‘balik kampung’ and was staying with his Ah Mah (grandmother) for the school holidays.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his grandma….

'Ah Mah, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'


Choi! She was a little taken aback, but thinking that since Little Sor Kow is from Khay-El city and before long he will probably learn it from someone else anyhow, she decided to tell him the truth.
"Errrr… It's called ‘SEX' la."

Little Sor Kow said, "Oh, ok" and went back outside to play with the other kampung kids outside.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Ah Mah, why you bluff me one?…
It is NOT called ‘SEX' la, It's called bunk beds!…..
and Ah Huat's mum said she wants to talk to you."


__________________________Little Sor Kow & little Sor KowKow



Little Sor Kow with his four year old bro, little Sor KowKow tagging along, went into the local store.. grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register counter to pay.

The cashier: These must be for your mommy..right?

Little Sor Kow: no la…

The cashier: for your sister ar?

Little Sor Kow: orso not for her la…

The cashier: If they're not for your mommy and not for your sister, who are they for?

Little Sor Kow: Errr…errr… they are for my 4 years old brother here.

The cashier: For your brother? OMG! Do you really know what are these?

Little Sor Kow: Well, yeah! They say on TV …. if you wear one of these you can swim and ride a bike with ease and comfort ….and my little brother here dunno how to swim or write bike yet.




_______________________'F' for maths!


















Little Sor KowKow returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why lidat?" asks the father, Kowpek.

Little Sor KowKow: The teacher asked me, "How much is 2 x 3?" ....

and I said '6!'

Kowpek: "But that's right!"

Little Sor KowKow: Then she asked me, "How much is 3 x 2?"

Kowpek: DIUuuuuuuu! Isn't that the same? Kanineh!! Teacher Soooo stooopid one!

Little Sor KowKow: That's exactly what I said and she gave me an 'F' lor!

THINGs are to be USED, PEOPLE to be LOVED!

Oops! I thought I was able to collect back my heart from God’s garage but it has to be recalled back again for other flaws …So there goes not only my heart but my funny bone as well again!

So, instead of some funny thingy you get to read here, I have chosen to share with you this wonderful story I've just read- (get your tissues ready..)

USE THINGS vs LOVE PEOPLE

While a man was washing and polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car.

In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times without realizing he was using a wrench he was holding in his hand.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father, with painful eyes he asked, “Dad when will my fingers grow back?”

The man was so hurt and speechless seeing what he has done, he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.

Devastated by his own actions...... sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had actually written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

The next day that man committed suicide. . .









The moral of this sad story is - THINGS are to be USED and PEOPLE are to be LOVED and NOT the other way round!

The problem in today's world is that people are used while things are loved! Jialat!

Have a nice day and stop looking silly using your comb to scratch while using your fingers to comb... OK? hahaha!

HAPPY NEW 2010!

Dear friends & visitors,

Here are my sincere ‘9pek9bo’ New Year wishes... cracked my old 2009 brain thinking them out just for you!
Have a Happy New 2010 Year folks!

Wanna pee on your Christmas tree! (re-edited)

"On the 5th day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me..
Five ..golden rings
Four calling Birds
Three French Hens,
Two turtle doves
And a Partridge in a pear tree.."


Today is the 5th day of Christmas…and I was listening to this song.. The 12 Days of Christmas.

Hmm.. I was thinking ..
What the heck do you want 5 golden rings when you only have 4 fingers and a thumb on each hand? Besides, I don’t think you wanna wear a thumb ring if you know that wearing a thumb ring indicates you are inviting buggering posterior pain! lol! (According to what I read in the Urban Dictionary...hahaha!)

Your true love has also given you four calling birds? Hmmm...four ‘calling birds’ and my mind started picturing four china-babes yakety-yaking on their hand phones asking," Xian xern, yau suang suang ma?" which then, shouldn't they be called four ‘calling chickens’ instead? (keo kay?) ...and what or who the eff are those three French hens given on the third day...huat kok kay? Lol!









Calling or not, French hens, turtle doves and partridge are all birds. Sorry for you dear, you really have one cuckoo for a true love! What does your true love want you to do with all these birds? Start a bird farm after Christmas?

Really if I have a true love that sends me nothing but birds for five consecutive days, I will surely flip the bird (point middle finger) to that bird brain, especially when I am in such foul mood these days!

It’s a dog life for me since……….two months back and I am so pissed that I feel like pissing on every Christmas tree I come across! Serious!

I needed to release some steam from this pressure cooker brain that has robbed me of my desire to open my eyes each morning as Christmas is no longer what it used to be.

So, I went even more cuckoo than your bird brain true love did, I wrote and sang my own obnoxious version of that song as a de-stress therapy to release those pent-up anger that was building up in me.

..and guess what, the 1st time I sang it on Christmas eve, the phone lines of my whole block went dead! There goes our internet access on Christmas Eve! My disappointed #1 son who was looking forward to play his online poker game, joined me in letting off steam that evening ...so we had our very own group de-stress therapy session, singing our 5 days of Christmas....

Pissed & Choi!

Christmas Eve day started with my body declaring itself a holiday as well…I had never felt so decrepit and weak ever before! I told JBoy perhaps it was time that dad could really be ‘home’ for Christmas after all. He cut me short with a “CHOI!”

“You mean ‘JOY’?” I blathered on teasingly to which he returned with a very ‘toolan’ stare, feeling pissed …lol! There you are…. instead of ‘PEACE & JOY’, I gave son a ‘PISSED & CHOI’ Christmas Eve..Trust me for grating on people’s nerves. hohoho!

I really didn’t know what was happening to my body. All I knew was I was sapless on a day I needed strength to overcome the sadness still in me.

Yeh-Soh niamah! (err.. I mean Holy mother Mary!) I wasn’t asking for the same youthful energy of those wild Ah Beng revelers at Gurney Drive who could do 'WWF diving' from the top of a car on Christmas Eve, all I wanted was just enough ‘oomph’ for the usual evening walk which is the only thing I don’t feel guilty of enjoying these days …and I was denied even that! sighh!!!

Neither was I planning to go waste the good Christmas Eve evening intoxicating my already half-gone brain meaninglessly with some old fogies and end up singing the mabuk Jingle Bells song of…......... …















....limpek was just only looking forward to a quiet evening at home, minus the Christmas tree and all the decorations this year to rest this tired old soul and to contemplate on unresolved matters of the heart…

Finding comfort in this song....
God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay....................

Have a Merry LOL Christmas!

Yea…CHRISTMAS is just around the corner and for the first time in my entire life I am missing all those wonderful feelings of Peace, Joy, Happiness and goodwill! Missing getting Santamental like everyone, exchanging hellos with strangers and good buys with friends...haizzzzz...

I have been singing ‘WHITE CHRISTMAS’ the whole year round and guess what, all I got is a ‘BLUE’ one instead! So much for that ‘Law of Attraction’ theory!

KNN! If only Santa could get me a shrinking gun, I would want to shrink all those smart-asses who profess this theory of the Law of Attraction and shaft their asses onto the pinnacles of Christmas trees like tree top angels! And, that Zig-zagging Ziglar guy should be too happy to really 'See You At The Top!' (Oops! Better forget it! Actually, I am one of these ardent believer too…lol!)

Shit! Even that therapeutic ‘Jingle Bells’ tune is no longer working it's magic on me anymore! This song which has a chorus line sounding like, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride on errr… one whore’s opened legs!” had never failed to lift me ‘up’ since I was a kid, pun unintended. .lol!

Was also thinking of going to a beach and start screaming my lungs out in the quietness of the night to destress, but the fear that I may hear tsunami phantoms screaming back at me from the sea deterred me greatly.

So the next best thing I could do was to draw some cartoons and share some cheers here.

Have a very MERRY LOL CHRISTMAS!

BreakMe! Make Me!

Finally watched the long awaited 2012 movie... For everyone, it's a good disaster movie... but to me, it was disastrously more than just that! There were some scenes that actually 'tsunami-ed' my emotions.

There was this particular scene pulling at the strings of my heart making me mushy and almost teary! (The old musician in the cruise ship who suddenly realized that life is too short to hold grudges, tried to call his estranged son ...but that unforgiving young man hesitated just for a second and…KABOOM! It was GAME OVER! Really Hum-ka-ling!) No, I didn’t need any tissues. … I just smoked myself dry! (ETA- Just heard from a nephew that his16 y.o. brother was sniffling watching this scene....found my soul mate in sensivity? LOL!)

Mid way through the movie, my thoughts wandered away...recalling I once asked someone how we should end the last seconds of our lives if 2012 is for real. The answer was, “Let’s all hug and wait for the final second.” ………and here’s where I learn the great painful lesson of NOTHING is PERMANENT in life as life itself is not even permanent!

Ya, life is a roller coaster with its UPS and DOWNS. But, the trouble is…I am now like totally thrown out of the ride and hitting hard on the ground! Any further down, they’ll have to give me a headstone and heap me a mound. The epitaph reading......


Its' nothing 'kiasu' or what ...but limpek don’t even have to join you ban-ban-tan (wait) till 2012, my world has already crashed on me!


So… like a tsunami victim trying to salvage whatever he can find, I’m now still trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart among the debris of my life strewn all over in the aftermath..sniffle...sniffle ..sniffle!







All I could do now is to find a comforting spot in that gaping hole which once housed my heart……. to endure the pain while the Good Lord tears me down piece by piece in his big plan to renovate my soul, changing my wounds into wisdom. A wiser man now but sadder one too...Can't I just be that happy witty fool?..haizzz!

HE has to BREAK me to MAKE me, I know… but why can’t my 'Yeh-Soh kor' plan a better time for all these? No more Christmases again for me? Ouchhh!


Okay, okay....That is as far as I could go sharing my woes because I suddenly remember that "Solitude" poem which says, “Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Cry, and you cry ALONE."

Keeping myself healthy and in shape everyday.....just in case I have to run like mad in 2012 ....lol!

Btw, Waterfall Garden is in the vicinity of many Indian temples ..need such colorful attire to blend into the crowd ma..