AhKowKia's new neighbor

AhKowKia after having had enough of the noisy city life, moves to the peaceful and quiet remote countryside. His new neighbor, SaiFoo, the farmer pays him a visit and invites him to a party that night.

SaiFoo: Braader, you sure you can drink or not? There’s going to be a lot of ‘yamseng’ there one..you know.

AhKowKia: Don’t worry La… I used to go pub gallivanting a lot in the city with my colleagues after work..

SaiFoo: Orso have to warn you.. After so much drinking, things can go rough and sometimes there may be fighting too.

AhKowKia: Don’t worry, I’m the non-violent, non-lansi friendly type.. I don’t normally offend people and can get along with anyone easily la.

SaiFoo: Okay, good! ….don’t say I didn’t warn you…usually party ends up so wild …..got a lot of SEX too.

AhKowKia: Wow! It’s fine with me. By the way, what should I wear? I haven't actually unpack my clothes yet.. tee shirt can ar?

SaiFoo: It doesn’t matter la! Wear anything orso nevermind .. It’s going to be Just the two of us only jer maaa....

AhKowKia: harrrrr???? (faints..)

Fable 2009 -In Fear of Porky's sneeze!

The animal Kingdom is looking for the most feared leader to rule as the new King of the Jungle 2009….

An elephant, a lion and a pig are contending for the post.

Lion: Look here kawan kawan, for centuries it has always been written - Lion, the King of the jungle!. Lion is king and king is Lion… and nothing else because when a lion like me roars, the whole jungle freezes in fear!

Elephant: Pooordah dei! When you roar yev'ryone freezes only, but when I trumpet, yev'ryone in the jungle has to make way for me laa! Scared or not... huh?

Pig: Cheh!!! Like that only mehhhh? I never bluff you one…I just need to sneeze and cough lightly nia, not only the jungle kingdom but the whole planet has to live in fear oledi!

Blending in with an 'ANYTHING ORSO CAN' Tee

As I look at the bursting wardrobe drawers cramped with all sorts of colorful Tee-shirts now, my mind wanders back to those ‘emergency mornings’ of Charles’s secondary schooldays, when he had to rush like a Bomba engine ...and also screaming like one, looking for a particular T-shirt for a particular activity in school that day.

It was either “Chamm liao la! Where‘s my WUSHU Tee?” or “My Editorial Board Tee hai peen toh leh?” or “Sei Lor..can’t find my House color-Tee laa!!” depending on which day of the week but all the same, this slugabed-dad had to cut short sleep to help search for that particular elusive T-shirt he needed to survive another day in school!

Ya..I know, I know.. It’s cool to wear a Slogan Tee-shirt these days that practically screams aloud your stand and beliefs or identify your association with certain clubs or a particular group of people sharing a common cause. But come to think of it, do we really need to spend so much dough unnecessarily on all sorts of loud slogan Tees that sometimes make us look like a ‘walking Advert’ or even a ‘walking billboard’? (that's when your body goes 'panoramic' in shape!)

Niamah! Can’t we make life less complicated and easier to go by with just a ‘generic’ Tee that can be worn for all activities? One that can make us blend into or associate with, any group on any occasion, anytime, any day and anywhere. (same reason why I only buy totally black or totally white plain socks to avoid going nuts looking for the missing matching socks.. Smart leh? hehehe!)


Perhaps, something like this “I’M WITH THEM” Tee-shirt should just do the trick....


It does not matter whether the crowd is wearing “I’m with.. errrrr RPK, ...PKR, ...KPR (Kay Po Residents?) or some saintly “Wholly Holy’ church group Tee. With this generic 'all occasions' tee, one can easily blend in instantly just for a good cam-whoring session with your camera-phone like this!.....


Same goes with those ‘anti-whatever’ candlelight vigils… you may want to snap a good pic just so that some day your grandchildren actually believe grandpa was so ‘geng’ once!

But then again you may need to be discreet and prudent with your choice of association … the question of whether “Ada permit” or “Talak Permit mia, 123 Tangkap!” gathering.. Otherwise, someday when your grandchildren look at that pic of you getting invited for 'free stay and breakfast' by some 'too affectionately embracing' fellow countrymen in blue, they'll go, “SWEAT-LAH!! Grandpa YOU!...WITH THEM some more!”

The untold truths of Tales and stories (cartoons)

Maybe I was a little more curios and imaginative than my peers back then as a kid ..and somehow I always thought adults, especially my primary school teachers were not telling the truths or at least not telling us all of the whole story.. including the real ending to the tales and stories.

THE TABLETS

For instance, I was always wondering and asking my Sunday schoolteacher why Moses were given two tablets instead of just one?

Why couldn't the commandments be written on the both sides of one tablet like we do with the pages of our exercise book? ... or, was there anything else already written at the back of the tablets that they didn't tell us? (* Just typical of an inquisitive mind of a very blur-sotong kid back then..)











.... Maybe something like this?

Hmmm... that probably explains a lot about the mess the world is in these days! LOL!














ROBIN's MERRYMEN

As for the legend of ROBIN HOOD and his MERRYMEN.. Armed with only the experience of robbing and probably merrymaking in the forest, I was wondering what did they do for a living when ROBIN HOOD finally disbanded his Sherwood gang? Did they continue robbing people on their own or started some business?
















Like ....Friar Tuck operating a Tuckshop?
















or Little John running a Little John (Children's toilet) Accessories Shop?


RAPUNZEL

and that story of the pretty fraulien who was imprisoned in a tower with no stairs by a witch just because her 'thum-chiak(greedy)' parents were caught stealing the witch's vegetables, Rapunzel...

I think just having the password, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, so that I may climb the golden stair" alone was not exactly secure and safe for a home-alone girl..

Being a smart girl, she probably would have braided one side of her hair for her good looking boyflen prince to climb and left the other half unkempt and unwashed for those unwelcome '5354' gate-crashers! hahahaha!

Story of the Small Town Debts

Sometimes, a simple solution is all we need for what appears to be a complicated problem..


Here’s an interesting story I chanced upon on how puzzlingly simple it was to solve what appeared to be a complicated economic woe of a community in a small town, when all the debts in the system were cleared by just an ‘accidental temporary loan’ that came by…

Here’s the story…..

There is not much business happening in this little town as recession takes toll and everyone seems to be in debt.
The hotel owner owes the butcher for the meat,
the butcher owes the farmer for the pigs,
the farmer in turn owes the local prostitute for the 'heat'
and she completes the chain, owing the hotel owner for the room she needs.

Then one day, completely out of a clear blue sky, a very 'lansi-lanyong' tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for the best room and ‘lansi-ly’ puts a RM100 note on the reception counter as deposit, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.







For fear of the meat supply being stopped because of his overdue payment,Woo koayTan-the hotel owner takes the hundred ringgit banknote and rushes over to the butcher shop opposite to pay Babee- his meat supplier to whom he owes RM100.






Babee- the butcher, upon receiving the money also quickly takes the money and races to the pig farm nearby to pay Too-Kopek-the farmer the RM100 he owed him for pigs he purchased some time ago.








Since New Year is coming soon and it’s bad luck to owe people money, Too-Kopek-the farmer takes the RM100 note to quickly pay Lucy Kay, a local prostitute who gave Too-Kopek her services on credit. (She usually won’t allow credit for her service but Too-Kopek always insist and says he cannot tahan cos’ his cum already at custom clearance checkpoint liao! ..but this is another story altogether..)





Upon receiving the RM100 , Lucy Kay-the prostitute goes quickly to the hotel and pays Woo koayTan-the hotel owner the RM100 she owed for her hourly room rentals used to entertain her ‘hamsap’ clients.






At that moment, that 'lansi-lanyong' tourist informs Woo koayTan-the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory, takes back his RM100 before he departs. Story ends…and here’s where my head-scratching begins!

There was no profit or income as the Woo koayTan-the hotel owner did NOT eventually earned that RM100 from the unsatisfied lansi-lanyong customer but yet in that short time, with that RM100 banknote going around, everyone in that little town was able to pay off their debts! It is amazing how an accidental temporary loan (in this case, the hotel room deposit) cleared all the debts in the system!

There must be an explanation somewhere which I’m unable able to find yet. But...come to think of it, why should I need an answer or explanation?

…Let’s keep the story with it’s happy ending as it is! Aye sai Bo?

Getting delirious with kopi KAPUT-CHINO!

In times like these, where what was once SILVER is turning BLACK and people are behaving disgracefully in the land supposedly ‘Abode with GRACE’, I found myself crossing over the extremely thin borderline into insanity once again, to start looking at things in laughable perspective…

Remembering that no matter how farked-up we get, we are in NO CONTROL of what others say or do. What we have is the total control of our own emotions and WE CAN wisely choose NOT to be REACTIVE and allow others to ruin our day. (Same goes to those reading my insane & inane 9pek9bo-ing blog here, which is nothing more than just Talkcock-ing of a ‘nothing to do’ old fler, not to be taken seriously!.LOL!)

I imagined myself intoxicating my mind with an imaginary highly caffeinated cappuccino KAPUTCHINO drink (Kaput=Destroyed, Done for & Chino= Spanish for Chinese) such as this Oldtown Aunty Equus Asinus KAPUTCHINO.. (guess what's Equus asinus?)

..hoping to get hallucinated enough to be able to see a harmful pepper spray as merely a harmless key chain/ pendrive and delirious enough to shamelessly commit the immoral sin of seeing myself in the like of great people such as Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, M Luther King, Obama or even Mother Theresa!

What a shiok sendiri experience! Give this old fler, me a chance to enjoy my delirium, ok? I need to be crazy to keep my sanity! ??? (kind of brain piercing to keep up with my son's tongue and body piercings... )

Picking a peek of the Past..

Looking through my files I found these abstracts I shot sometime last year with my little handy camera I sometimes do carry along wherever I go.

At times, simple ordinary things can appear fascinating and even philosophical stimulating to me when I gave them a little more attention than I normally do. (Errmm.. in simpler terms, it means those were actually boring moments in life that usually awakens the zzzz-ing artist in me..ahem ahem!)

It doesn’t really matter what my photography-enthusiast son, Charles opined and neither am I bothered about my handicap in the technical aspects … After all, I’m more of a photo-LAUGHER than photographer, laughing myself silly at my amateurish attempts in photography! :)

As I ponder over these images now I ‘m beginning to realize what a treasure they are to me. Each and every photo is like a doorway to a particular moment of my life, forever gone but always available in memories…..


1.THE LAST CRYSTAL DINOSAUR.

This was taken while waiting for my curry mee at the food court at the Rifle Range market, our ‘lau ti fang’ we sometimes go back to for breakfast. It’s nothing more than just my Kopi Or Peng in a green plastic cup






2.IN SEARCH OF DESTINY. This pic was taken on a wooden plank-bridge at Tan Jetty coincidentally on my birthday last year when I followed son, #2 and Adrian to meet up with Khan for a photo-shoot there. There was where we first met 'Khan Khan',a final year Art student from Equator.












While those three young pros were busy with their DSLRs capturing the evening scene, I took fancy to the very aged but strong wooden planks that I was standing on (above pic). …and wandered away in philosophical thoughts.... the freedom of that young piece of wood drifting freely in comparison with those hard solid and weathered old ones we were standing on.










3. BIRD IN CAGE-The office Copier got jammed and the stuck papers came out like black & white folding fans. Found it interesting when I threw them into the waste basket together with a brown envelope. With a little arrangement, I had an enjoyable 5 minutes breather from work!





4. HANGING AROUND-
Took this on a rainy night, all drenched while hanging around waiting for our take-away dinner (Fried Tang-hoon) on the way home from office at the stall we always frequent nearby .








5. SHADOW PLAY
Taken at my favorite haunt…the ‘smoking Area’ at the stairway outside my 4th floor office in Beach street.. where I used to puffed my
Winston ciggis away!

When YOUNG men see VISIONS & OLD men dream DREAMS

Imagine the hilarious sight of a toothless seventy plus ahpek with his wrinkled face totally dolled-up in heavy feminine make-up and his dark skinny flat-chested body …dressed in a pink ballerina tutu! If his outrageous sight alone was not enough to make me LMAO, his amusing attempt to dance and twirl like a ballerina in his solo performance did just that!

That was one unforgettable odd but lovable character I met at the old folks’ home some 30 years ago. It was obvious that like many other inmates there, he was going through his second childhood and was thoroughly enjoying his twilight years as much as he could without being problematic to others, except for the stomach cramps we got from laughing at his antics.

Unfortunately, not all old chaps are that fun, lovable and harmless. Some can be very nasty, annoying, irritating, attention-seeking, trouble-makers as in the case of our ‘lau pu-se’ [老不死 ] toon lokter U-No-Hoo.



Niahseng! Like limpek haven’t had enough of his foul flatulence coming out of his wrong end all those twenty-over donkey years, like he hasn’t done enough damage just yet, this old devil ’toon lokter U-No-Hoo' is back hogging the media limelight all over again!

Thank God that I have long liberated myself from those TVtiga-suku and ‘Ah-ler-TM’ propagandistic news channels! If not, I guess I’ll be ranting and sending my regards to his mother so often that in the end I may have to rename my blog as ‘Kannilaubo’ instead of 9pek9bo!

Dunno why.... even with my abstinence from watching those TVtiga-suku and ‘Ah-ler-TM’ fairy tales for children’ news, limpek found myself having very weird recurring nightmares of my very old discarded TV set showing a zombie who looked like him, sounded like him but it’s not him singing............


“It's close to midnighttttt…
and something evil's lurking in the dark!
On your TV tonight,
you see a sight that almost stops your heart ................
Cause this is diuu-ler!! Thriller night!






After the singing ended, the scene changed and those dancing zombies began morphing themselves into Chinese Ching dynasty costumed hopping zombies just like those in Chinese Vampires comedy movies of the 80's!
















Okay..don’t ask me why I could have such weird nightmares. I’m entitled to it just as much as you young punks are entitled to your MP4s, camera phones, i-pods and i-whatever with LCD screen because it has been said, “....YOUNG MEN SHALL SEE VISIONS, and YOUR OLD MEN SHALL DREAM DREAMS.”..( not truly meant in this manner though, just borrowed the phrase!)

Hahaha! It's just another day for ranting randomly and obnoxiously about an awful dream, nothing to be taken seriously .....
Have a nice day nightmare folks!

April Jokes- just for laughs

WARNING!
This weblog may contain some profanities, smuts, expletives or whatever you want to call it as.....
If you are easily offended by vile & inappropriate languages and think that you'll surely end up burning in Hell because of it, Or, still a minor (underage, under-developed or 'Under-still not developed!') not understanding that the 4 LETTERS ‘F’ WORD that ends with a ‘K’ is NOT what you use together with a spoon, Please DO NOT CONTINUE!

Otherwise, proceed on and have a f*rking fun-time here.(Oops! I already warned ya..Didn't I?)

Towkeh-soh already had three unsuccessful marriages before. Her first husband was a wife-beater, the second an adulterer who finally ran away with that ‘chau char bor’ and the third was a total disappointment in bed!

So being smarter now, Towkeh-soh makes sure she includes certain requirements when she places an advert for a new life partner in the papers.



“Forty-something Rich divorced woman looking for new husband who will not beat her, run away from her and is good in bed” it said.








Two weeks later, while Towkeh-soh is enjoying her favorite TV show at home, she hears her doorbell rings. She opens the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs.


“Yes? Wat-chew want?” she asks.

“Hi, I’m Mr. Wan Long Dik, and I’m here about your advert in the papers.”

“You got meet my requirements meh?” Towkeh-soh asks.

“Well, I have no arms so cannot beat you lor, and I have no legs to run away from you, even if I want to orso cannot maa.” he replies.

“But how do I know you’re good in bed leh?” she asks.

Mr. Wan Long Dik, “Aiyo! Aboden, how do you think I rang the doorbell.. har?

Ah 9Pek: Oei! AhLek, you look worried today.. what’s the ploblem har?

AhLek: jialat liao la! .. my wife dunwan to “ahem-ahem” with me on Sunday orledi!

Ah 9Pek:: Why leh?

AhLek: because yesterday hor, her priest says SEX on the Sabbath is a sin because SEX is considered as WORK!

Ah 9Pek: Niamah, like dat orso can! What does a priest know about SEX Where got such thing one?

AhLek: They say SEX is production of lives…WORK maa and therefore not allowed on Sabbath Sunday lor.

Ah 9Pek: SEX is definitely play la.. Aiya! if your wife thinks it is WORK, then ask her to tell your young Indon maid to do for you lor!

AhLek: ya hor...WORK nia mahh hor?…hahahah!

B.E. Satu Lagi!!

Before those PR supporters could finish with their “YAMMMMMSENG!” or even before Semi-TalakBulu and his long lost... one little, two little, three little .............. cousin in Perak could both finish cursing in their Kerling lingo on the outcome of the recent tri By-Elections (BE), another one is already looming near … right in my home state, Penang!


Okay..okay...For the benefit of those DOTAland alien korkor-chyes & those QQ KAWAiians mooi-moois who are still 'blur-blur' not knowing what’s going on beyond DOTAland and FRIENDSTERland: We just had NOT one, but THREE by-elections ALL AT ONE GO earlier this month to fill the vacant seats left by some YBs, who either had an early earthly departure or… probable fear of an early earthly departure! (you guess this one out yourself!)

In fact, within a short period of just a year since the Tsunami General Election, we already had five exciting BEs and gosh!...The score is PR leading BN by 4-1! Kanneh! Limpek's beginning to like By-Elections a lot! It’s so blardy addictive! Judging from the large turnout at the rallies I think BE is fast becoming the favorite pastime of Malaysians these days!

Never have I seen such huge multiracial crowds muhibah-ing since those ‘zaman Merzagua’ Malaysia Cup days, where we thronged into stadiums to cheer hysterically at goals even our rheumatoid grandmas could catch! How I missed them! (I mean those carnival-like truly united OneM’sia atmosphere, NOT those rheumatoid grandmas.. ok?)


Whether it was for the 'comradie' feelings or the carnival festive mood, By-election's activities these days are phenomenally pulling crowds by the thousands! It looked like fun, sounded like fun and ... niamah! sometimes it's so irresistibly fun that even our BIG BLUE BOYS are joining in to have fun with their 'water-shooting toys' and LEGO ROAD blocks too!




Thanks to the great gods ..err...Lord GODamnit & Lord GODblok, I managed to keep myself updated about all the 'fun' in the net despite my STREAMYX broadband connection was (and still fcukingly is) weak throughout the entire run-up period and on Polling day on April 7!
Broadband huh? I think the situation here is more like a band of broads waiting in line for a Viagra-starved dead old cock instead! Jialat!



As it was, just like all other elections we had before, we never seem to be running short of those funny ‘out-of-circus employment’ clowns and the recent tri by-elections were no exception. If not for these phor-litiician dudes who brought me so much laughter, I guess I would have died suffering from BDS (Bandwidth deficiency syndrome) brought about by my slow-cumming STREAMYX!

How could I not laugh, reading about some ‘bey kian siao’ election candidate proclaiming to be the Obama of M’sia when the only similarity limpek could see was the just the dark skin? kekekeke!

Then, there was this 'niamah! nama-limpek tak-kenal' misinformed minister claiming that watching micro-mini skirted sexy ching-chong girls gyrating their butts on stage at election-rally dinners is no big deal but just a Chinese culture? Betul ke?

Maybe someone should misinform this misinformed minister with a ‘mini-stirring in his pants' again..that “Tiger-Show’ can be also Chinese culture ...hor? so why not have one for the coming BE leh? Can ar? Pleeeeeazzzee la! Just go and tell your new NUMERO UNO ‘ah hiah’ it is "cheep cheep MAI PAENG MAK" nia mah!