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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The BODEK-TAiCHi way to your BONU$!











While some of you have already spent it, some still planning (cum arguing) on how to spend it, there are still others out there crossing their fingers (and probably toes and err..... ....maybe balls too if it helps!) waiting impatiently and desperately for that
year-end savior to their year-end needs to materialize.......that elusive but more realistic than 'Santa & Choy San Yeh' thingy we called Year-end BONU$!


If you are one of those unfortunates, who had been, year in and year out, not finding your name in that list or getting less than your peers do, don't fret and feel bad about yourself. There's nothing wrong with you actually ....except that you must have 'blursotong-ly' and naively missed the point on the company’s Work SMART and NOT HARD policy.


Howdyfark could they expect an innocent honest hard-working soul like you to understand that working SMART here means more than just saving company's time & electricity but to go on your knees and lick all the way up! You should have suspected something when the job you hold comes with a reward clause that reads, "Yearly Bonus Reward -based on the merits of your performance" and NOT "based on your productivity" or "on the results of your hard work" but "performance!" Now you know why those 'KNN-cbai, dunno-Y-so-lucky’ colleagues are always 'performing' at the right time, right place and most importantly to the right person!



Believe me, hard work does not always guarantee you a bonus reward,
but accumulating BONUSLINK BOSS ’S’-LICK points is magical!








Take a good look at those ‘KNN-cbai, dunno-Y-so-lucky’ people around you, and you’ll notice that they possess a skill you never had or were born with. That special talent we all scorn at but yet secretly envy for the sake of the benefits that come along when your boss gets a non-surgical b*lls-lift ..floating him to seventh heaven high. (With you, 7th’s the highest he could reach... Beyond that, his b*lls need to be in better hands of his China piaomeis who can ‘oo-aahhs' in pure Mandarin you can’t! You have to live with that..ok? )



So, for the benefits of those who lack this skill and desperately needing it, leempek now share with you the
Bodekology notes I collected from my observations of some very skillful Bodek-Taichi masters throughout my 30-over years (in tears) working in a kiasu bank.



1. The LIGHTING HANDS MOVE:
Be the first to raise your hand (if possible, both hands -*refer to pic) to AGREE
or VOTE FOR your boss’s proposal, even though you think it is a silly and half-baked idea! Blah-blahing some of it's prospective benefits and possible positive gains gets you an extra BALL to play!
note: Lighting Hands move can also be executed to be the first to volunteer whenever your boss needs a sucker.











2.HERDING THE COW HOME:
Help your boss to clear away his 'unfinished late night overtime work' when he needs to rush home to his already impatient suspecting wife.
You now have the 'SPILL HIM to KILL HIM' card in your hands!













3. The POOP-SWOOP MOVE:
Always follow the boss closely BEHIND to know when he SHITs ....Poop-Swoop move to CLEAN UP whatever SHIT he leaves behind before it starts to stink and everyone knows! It's a dirty job but WORTH the SHIT!








4.CROSSED HANDS-FINGER POKE MOVE:
Backstabbing your peers by pointing out their mistakes to the boss whenever opportunity arises. Most common but effective move. Better still if you can pretend to offer to be a leaning pillar to them.This position behind allows further 'BACK-POKING' MOVES!












5.FANNING THE DRAGON'S BREATH MOVE:
Be willing to stoop low enough with fan in hand, to fan out Boss’s 'fartings' into the rooms of people you hate most and when they complain, grab that opportunity to report to boss that they spoke negatively about him or his
'fartings'!










6.DONKEY DELIVERS MOVE:
Surprise your boss with his favorite food or drink whenever you return to the office from your errands.Treat this as INVE$TMENT for GREAT RETURNS in your BONU$!














7.
SNAKE SLITHERING DOWN MOVE: When your boss gives you a 3 HOURS shit job to do. Shove the job to someone ranking below you to do in 2 HOURS. Spend the last hour in boss's room discussing it to make him think you did that job on your own!












8.The POINT SKY MOVE:
When in situation not possible to blame others in your office, remember that there are always ‘Those blardy marderF*rkers from upstairs’ you can point your accusing fingers to!

4 comments:

Tequila said...

Very creative and absolutely hilarious!!

The new 8 commandments of success. An instant classic.

9PEK9BO (ERNST) said...

Doctor,

The 8 'Office-TAiCHi' steps are for getting success in BONUS and Basic promotions nia. For success in phenomenal HIGH JUMPING PROMOTIONS, we need to master 'OFFICE SHAOLIN' tactics! ( I'll wait for your return from US to start this class..ok?) HAHAHA!!!

reanaclaire said...

Must have taken a lot of effort and strength to post this "virtual taichi".... haha..
talking about bonus.. reminds me, got to take it out to pay my overdue credit card bills.. sigh..
me no need to bodek one.. no matter how much or how little bodekness, boss Abdullah Badaaaa.... gives us all sama sama.. satu bulan sahaja!!

JustinKC said...

hahaha bodek taichi is indeed workable. its hilarious