Famer Pervy's part-time lover [9pek9bo comics]

Getting CHINKY CHING-CHONG for CNY!

Oh my confusing Confucius! I just realized that it's only just 6 days to celebrating Chinese New Year! Borrowing this phrase from PE sufferers- "I know it’s cum-ing, but never expected it to be that soon!” should best described my situation here!

I am pretty alarmed, not because I am totally unprepared for this most important date my Chinese ancestors handed down to jerk me out of the mundane routine approximately every 365 days, but my lack of enthusiasm and excitement over it is making me feeling like I was born a ‘defective-Chinese'!

So thinking that perhaps I should get myself re-programmed to compensate for that missing ‘chingchong’ genes in me, I went online to read up on some chinky ching-chong Chinese New Year thingy. There wasn’t actually anything I read I didn’t know except for the story on why we have the Lunar years named after the 12 animals. It seemed the Buddha (or was it the Jade emperor?) invited all the animals to a fete champetre to celebrate CNY and these 12 were the only animals that loyally turned up!

They were the Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, Rooster, Dog & Boar and the rest just ‘ponteng-ed’ and kept poor Buddha waiting in vain ( that probably explains his standing, sitting and finally reclining position!). Swt! Somebody really should have introduced Noah to be his marketing manager back then.

My kap-siao son, Charles questioned the logic why it has to be the Rat instead of the Rabbit placed first and I quipped that the Rabbit didn’t actually want to go, but each time he rang to inform, someone on the other end said, "Mr.LABBIT YOU LING THE LONG LUMBER LA!”. lol!

I also read that the Chinese believe that the animal ruling the year in which a person is born has a profound influence on his/her personality, saying: "This is the animal that hides in your heart."

Err.. I don't quite agree to this 'One man-one animal character' personality belief. Irrespective of our birth year, we turn PIG-like all the same after downing enough alcohol and becoming horny RABBIT-alike in the privacy of the four walls afterdark and... all ladies turn barking bitchDOG -alike if horny RABBITS are not generously compensating them enough!

I am also wondering did those other animals really didn’t turn up? Could they have just forgotten to sign the attendance book? I'm questioning the accuracy because many of us are already showing some characteristics of animals not found in the Chinese zodiac. We became nocturnal like BATs staying up late either blogging, surfing, chatting or gaming with a hand on a ‘mouse’ like a CAT, always hungering for more RAMs like a starved LION and ending up the next day looking like Pandas!

Then again, we have politicians looking, thinking and behaving like DINOSAURS, all power but little brains surfacing these days while those with brains are prepared to jump like frogs!

Alas! It’s so darned Confucius-confusing! I guess even our Malay-brothers in Kota Trengganu are more convincingly chin-chong than I am. At least they have done with the throwing out the ‘RUBBISH” part last Saturday in preparation for the coming CNY and I haven’t even moved a finger! Damnit!



Among the many regular Chinese New Year wishes my late mum taught me when I was a kid, this "Nian Nian Yew Yuee" is one of my favorite. It means there is always abundance remaining! It also sounds like: "Having fish every year."

The funny thing about this phrase is that when read backwards "Yuee yew nen nen" it sounds like.... (ahem!...see mermaid for hint)

Say Goodbye, say Good BUY ...KT!

YES! Today 17TH of JANUARY is THE DAY! The Polling Day for the K.T By-Election!

If you are one of those who is NOT A&A (AWAKE and AWARE) enough and is catching no ball wtf is this ‘KT By-Election’ everyone is talking about, ‘KT’ is the abbreviation for KENA-TIPU . So, ‘KT By-Election’ simply means 'YOU GOT TIPU-ed la' by the elections! No la! Just kidding you nia! KT here actually refers to the P(36)Kuala Trengganu Parliamentary constituency.

While a Buy Erection is something to do with purchases of VIAGRAs or SURE-UPs
and a Bhai Erection is something you will know when you pick up the soap you carelessly dropped in the male public bathroom, a By-Election is the process of re-electing your DEWAN representative through the ballot box again to replace the previous one who left in a hurry or suddenly, for whatever reason (most favorite being kicking the bucket or balik Thongsan to sell salted-eggs.)

Just like a football maniac going crazy over the live-telecasting of a ball thousands of miles away, I found myself totally engrossed in following all the hype surrounding this event from the most reliable source of news GOD only permits…the BLOGs la of course!

And like all other political events in AnythingCanLAND, I read that money in dollars but no sense changed hands with claims of receiving RED packets to WHITE envelopes right under the noses of those 7,000 law enforcers who were deployed there dunno for what f*rk, (reminding me of that popular schoolboy phrase of redundancy, “Wait long long, no bus come. Come come three four come!”

So today, about 80,000 registered voters in this malay heartland (plus an unknown number of those usual ‘special invitees’ of course) will be going to the 36 polling stations to cast and vote their favorite parliamentary ‘IDOL’. Among them will be 10,000 ‘Pendatangs’ who I believe will make sure to ‘datang’ in full force singing “YEH LIANG TAI PIAO WO DE XING-The Moon represents my heart” as they cast their votes.

UPDATE:
THE RESULTS: PAS won KT by 2,631! (note: during the March TsuNIAMAH Election PAS lost by only 685 nia ma!)

So here we go again… “We accept defeat and respect the people’s choice ….” Seriously, Please do!

tHe Cuckoo-Looney BuY-Election Showtime!

Although the belief of the moon’s loony effects on human and animal behavior has not been accurately established, we all do know that bizarre things do actually happen on a full moon night! (at least they do in those scary DVD movies.. right?)

So,when the sky is filled with not just one but countless images of white full moons on green fabrics flapping in the Monsoon winds everywhere in that East Coast land of the turtles preparing for a Bhai-ERECTION , err… BUY-ERECTION , errrrr.. I mean…. a By-Election, can people get 'LOONEY' over these mass images of a full moon?
I personally think it could and that explains the strange happenings each time we have a by-election when someone kicks the bucket too soon.

So, IT' SHOWTIME ONCE AGAIN FOLKS! Watch out for the Mindless Circus Antics coming to town and the rare performance of normally hostile animals who could tear you to pieces and bathe you in blood acting like your caring loving nanny!

On the top of these exciting shows and specially for this Chinese New year festive season, some ChoySanYehs may be popping up everywhere and anywhere to surprise you with some goodies telling you " Kami Kongsi Kongsi fa cai, angpow sudah angkat, Lu mesti undi gua ma chye!"

The BODEK-TAiCHi way to your BONU$!

While some of you have already spent it, some still planning (cum arguing) on how to spend it, there are still others out there crossing their fingers (and probably toes and err..... ....maybe balls too if it helps!) waiting impatiently and desperately for that year-end savior to their year-end needs to materialize.......that elusive but more realistic than 'Santa & Choy San Yeh' thingy we called Year-end BONU$!


If you are one of those unfortunates, who had been, year in and year out, not finding your name in that list or getting less than your peers do, don't fret and feel bad about yourself. There's nothing wrong with you actually ....except that you must have 'blursotong-ly' and naively missed the point on the company’s Work SMART and NOT HARD policy.


Howdyfark could they expect an innocent honest hard-working soul like you to understand that working SMART here means more than just saving company's time & electricity but to go on your knees and lick all the way up! You should have suspected something when the job you hold comes with a reward clause that reads, "Yearly Bonus Reward -based on the merits of your performance" and NOT "based on your productivity" or "on the results of your hard work" but "performance!" Now you know why those 'KNN-cbai, dunno-Y-so-lucky’ colleagues are always 'performing' at the right time, right place and most importantly to the right person!



Believe me, hard work does not always guarantee you a bonus reward,
but accumulating BONUSLINK BOSS ’S’-LICK points is magical!







Take a good look at those ‘KNN-cbai, dunno-Y-so-lucky’ people around you, and you’ll notice that they possess a skill you never had or were born with. That special talent we all scorn at but yet secretly envy for the sake of the benefits that come along when your boss gets a non-surgical b*lls-lift ..floating him to seventh heaven high. (With you, 7th’s the highest he could reach... Beyond that, his b*lls need to be in better hands of his China piaomeis who can ‘oo-aahhs' in pure Mandarin you can’t! You have to live with that..ok? )


So, for the benefits of those who lack this skill and desperately needing it, leempek now share with you the Bodekology notes I collected from my observations of some very skillful Bodek-Taichi masters throughout my 30-over years (in tears) working in a kiasu bank.



1. The LIGHTING HANDS MOVE: Be the first to raise your hand (if possible, both hands -*refer to pic) to AGREE or VOTE FOR your boss’s proposal, even though you think it is a silly and half-baked idea! Blah-blahing some of it's prospective benefits and possible positive gains gets you an extra BALL to play!
note: Lighting Hands move can also be executed to be the first to volunteer whenever your boss needs a sucker.











2.HERDING THE COW HOME: Help your boss to clear away his 'unfinished late night overtime work' when he needs to rush home to his already impatient suspecting wife. You now have the 'SPILL HIM to KILL HIM' card in your hands!













3. The POOP-SWOOP MOVE: Always follow the boss closely BEHIND to know when he SHITs ....Poop-Swoop move to CLEAN UP whatever SHIT he leaves behind before it starts to stink and everyone knows! It's a dirty job but WORTH the SHIT!








4.CROSSED HANDS-FINGER POKE MOVE: Backstabbing your peers by pointing out their mistakes to the boss whenever opportunity arises. Most common but effective move. Better still if you can pretend to offer to be a leaning pillar to them.This position behind allows further 'BACK-POKING' MOVES!











5.FANNING THE DRAGON'S BREATH MOVE: Be willing to stoop low enough with fan in hand, to fan out Boss’s 'fartings' into the rooms of people you hate most and when they complain, grab that opportunity to report to boss that they spoke negatively about him or his 'fartings'!










6.DONKEY DELIVERS MOVE: Surprise your boss with his favorite food or drink whenever you return to the office from your errands.Treat this as INVE$TMENT for GREAT RETURNS in your BONU$!













7. SNAKE SLITHERING DOWN MOVE: When your boss gives you a 3 HOURS shit job to do. Shove the job to someone ranking below you to do in 2 HOURS. Spend the last hour in boss's room discussing it to make him think you did that job on your own!












8.The POINT SKY MOVE: When in situation not possible to blame others in your office, remember that there are always ‘Those blardy marderF*rkers from upstairs’ you can point your accusing fingers to!