HAPPY NEW 2010!

Dear friends & visitors,

Here are my sincere ‘9pek9bo’ New Year wishes... cracked my old 2009 brain thinking them out just for you!
Have a Happy New 2010 Year folks!

Wanna pee on your Christmas tree! (re-edited)

"On the 5th day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me..
Five ..golden rings
Four calling Birds
Three French Hens,
Two turtle doves
And a Partridge in a pear tree.."


Today is the 5th day of Christmas…and I was listening to this song.. The 12 Days of Christmas.

Hmm.. I was thinking ..
What the heck do you want 5 golden rings when you only have 4 fingers and a thumb on each hand? Besides, I don’t think you wanna wear a thumb ring if you know that wearing a thumb ring indicates you are inviting buggering posterior pain! lol! (According to what I read in the Urban Dictionary...hahaha!)

Your true love has also given you four calling birds? Hmmm...four ‘calling birds’ and my mind started picturing four china-babes yakety-yaking on their hand phones asking," Xian xern, yau suang suang ma?" which then, shouldn't they be called four ‘calling chickens’ instead? (keo kay?) ...and what or who the eff are those three French hens given on the third day...huat kok kay? Lol!









Calling or not, French hens, turtle doves and partridge are all birds. Sorry for you dear, you really have one cuckoo for a true love! What does your true love want you to do with all these birds? Start a bird farm after Christmas?

Really if I have a true love that sends me nothing but birds for five consecutive days, I will surely flip the bird (point middle finger) to that bird brain, especially when I am in such foul mood these days!

It’s a dog life for me since……….two months back and I am so pissed that I feel like pissing on every Christmas tree I come across! Serious!

I needed to release some steam from this pressure cooker brain that has robbed me of my desire to open my eyes each morning as Christmas is no longer what it used to be.

So, I went even more cuckoo than your bird brain true love did, I wrote and sang my own obnoxious version of that song as a de-stress therapy to release those pent-up anger that was building up in me.

..and guess what, the 1st time I sang it on Christmas eve, the phone lines of my whole block went dead! There goes our internet access on Christmas Eve! My disappointed #1 son who was looking forward to play his online poker game, joined me in letting off steam that evening ...so we had our very own group de-stress therapy session, singing our 5 days of Christmas....

Pissed & Choi!

Christmas Eve day started with my body declaring itself a holiday as well…I had never felt so decrepit and weak ever before! I told JBoy perhaps it was time that dad could really be ‘home’ for Christmas after all. He cut me short with a “CHOI!”

“You mean ‘JOY’?” I blathered on teasingly to which he returned with a very ‘toolan’ stare, feeling pissed …lol! There you are…. instead of ‘PEACE & JOY’, I gave son a ‘PISSED & CHOI’ Christmas Eve..Trust me for grating on people’s nerves. hohoho!

I really didn’t know what was happening to my body. All I knew was I was sapless on a day I needed strength to overcome the sadness still in me.

Yeh-Soh niamah! (err.. I mean Holy mother Mary!) I wasn’t asking for the same youthful energy of those wild Ah Beng revelers at Gurney Drive who could do 'WWF diving' from the top of a car on Christmas Eve, all I wanted was just enough ‘oomph’ for the usual evening walk which is the only thing I don’t feel guilty of enjoying these days …and I was denied even that! sighh!!!

Neither was I planning to go waste the good Christmas Eve evening intoxicating my already half-gone brain meaninglessly with some old fogies and end up singing the mabuk Jingle Bells song of…......... …















....limpek was just only looking forward to a quiet evening at home, minus the Christmas tree and all the decorations this year to rest this tired old soul and to contemplate on unresolved matters of the heart…

Finding comfort in this song....
God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay....................

Have a Merry LOL Christmas!

Yea…CHRISTMAS is just around the corner and for the first time in my entire life I am missing all those wonderful feelings of Peace, Joy, Happiness and goodwill! Missing getting Santamental like everyone, exchanging hellos with strangers and good buys with friends...haizzzzz...

I have been singing ‘WHITE CHRISTMAS’ the whole year round and guess what, all I got is a ‘BLUE’ one instead! So much for that ‘Law of Attraction’ theory!

KNN! If only Santa could get me a shrinking gun, I would want to shrink all those smart-asses who profess this theory of the Law of Attraction and shaft their asses onto the pinnacles of Christmas trees like tree top angels! And, that Zig-zagging Ziglar guy should be too happy to really 'See You At The Top!' (Oops! Better forget it! Actually, I am one of these ardent believer too…lol!)

Shit! Even that therapeutic ‘Jingle Bells’ tune is no longer working it's magic on me anymore! This song which has a chorus line sounding like, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride on errr… one whore’s opened legs!” had never failed to lift me ‘up’ since I was a kid, pun unintended. .lol!

Was also thinking of going to a beach and start screaming my lungs out in the quietness of the night to destress, but the fear that I may hear tsunami phantoms screaming back at me from the sea deterred me greatly.

So the next best thing I could do was to draw some cartoons and share some cheers here.

Have a very MERRY LOL CHRISTMAS!

BreakMe! Make Me!

Finally watched the long awaited 2012 movie... For everyone, it's a good disaster movie... but to me, it was disastrously more than just that! There were some scenes that actually 'tsunami-ed' my emotions.

There was this particular scene pulling at the strings of my heart making me mushy and almost teary! (The old musician in the cruise ship who suddenly realized that life is too short to hold grudges, tried to call his estranged son ...but that unforgiving young man hesitated just for a second and…KABOOM! It was GAME OVER! Really Hum-ka-ling!) No, I didn’t need any tissues. … I just smoked myself dry! (ETA- Just heard from a nephew that his16 y.o. brother was sniffling watching this scene....found my soul mate in sensivity? LOL!)

Mid way through the movie, my thoughts wandered away...recalling I once asked someone how we should end the last seconds of our lives if 2012 is for real. The answer was, “Let’s all hug and wait for the final second.” ………and here’s where I learn the great painful lesson of NOTHING is PERMANENT in life as life itself is not even permanent!

Ya, life is a roller coaster with its UPS and DOWNS. But, the trouble is…I am now like totally thrown out of the ride and hitting hard on the ground! Any further down, they’ll have to give me a headstone and heap me a mound. The epitaph reading......


Its' nothing 'kiasu' or what ...but limpek don’t even have to join you ban-ban-tan (wait) till 2012, my world has already crashed on me!


So… like a tsunami victim trying to salvage whatever he can find, I’m now still trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart among the debris of my life strewn all over in the aftermath..sniffle...sniffle ..sniffle!







All I could do now is to find a comforting spot in that gaping hole which once housed my heart……. to endure the pain while the Good Lord tears me down piece by piece in his big plan to renovate my soul, changing my wounds into wisdom. A wiser man now but sadder one too...Can't I just be that happy witty fool?..haizzz!

HE has to BREAK me to MAKE me, I know… but why can’t my 'Yeh-Soh kor' plan a better time for all these? No more Christmases again for me? Ouchhh!


Okay, okay....That is as far as I could go sharing my woes because I suddenly remember that "Solitude" poem which says, “Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Cry, and you cry ALONE."

Keeping myself healthy and in shape everyday.....just in case I have to run like mad in 2012 ....lol!

Btw, Waterfall Garden is in the vicinity of many Indian temples ..need such colorful attire to blend into the crowd ma..

Another 'What Charlie Saw...' story

Snuggling under the warm comfort of my blanket on that recent cold Merdeka morning, the last thing I would want to do then was to get up and watch some sohais shouting ‘Merdeka!’ on tv.

It’s not that I’m no longer patriotic anymore but strangely, I don’t know whether I am having hearing problems or what these days…or is it because the mysterious death of Teoh Beng Hock is still fresh and lingering in mind, but damn it, each time someone mentioned the word ‘Merdeka!’, it somehow sounded like “MURDER-ka?” to me!

After lazing in bed for a while, I decided to get out of the room to greet my son, Charlie who should be up and face-booking by then in the living room..but what greeted me as I stepped out of my room that morning almost made my heart stopped!



Right before me was this fully cloaked creepy figure squatting on Charlie’s chair and meddling with his laptop!

My mind went blank for a few seconds and the first thought that came upon me was that it was still the Chinese ‘hungry Ghost’ month and there.... right before my eyes in my living room was this horrendous ‘thing’!



Before I could finish exclaiming “Oh my f@%king gawd!” the hood came down and a familiar head popped out asking, “Choe mee yeah? (What’s up?)”

and continued with,“Walau! You look so scared la, dad. Thought you saw ghost issit? hehehe…..Where got ghost so clever, knows how to play Facebook on laptop one leh? kekeke!”

Niamah!..It was just my equally eccentric son,Charlie who was too lazy to put on a shirt, wrapping himself with a blanket instead on that extremely cold morning.



Apparently, Charlie must have forgotten that particular scary hair-raising incident we had when we were staying at the old terrace house some years ago. For history, those houses there were built on a plot of land which was part of the Chinese cemetery some 50 years ago!

We were watching a DVD movie in the living room one weekend and since it was already 2 am, we decided to continue the movie in my bedroom upstairs.

After our usual pre-bed personal hygienic routine were done, we turned off all the lights on the ground floor, leaving just a small green night light on in the living room and hurried up the stairs to my bedroom to continue watching the movie as planned.

Up in my bedroom, we realized that we had forgotten about the disc which was still in the player in the living room downstairs. Charlie volunteered to get the disc and hurried out of the room before I could say “Forget it, it’s already late”.

The next thing I heard was a loud but short “ARGGGHHH!” from outside my bedroom door! I then saw a terrified Charlie rushed back into the room and latching the door in panic!

I kept asking him, “What happened?” and each time I got the same murmuring answer….

“Nothing.. nothing.. err just nothing..forget it.” he kept insisting, failing miserably in his attempt to act like everything was fine even though he was looking terrified.

Trying his best to regain his composure and not wanting to worry me further he suggested we watch something else. This made me even more curious and upon my persistent questioning, he finally confided to me that he saw something spooky downstairs!….

He had caught a glimpse of someone or something sitting at my computer table which was just near the bottom of the stairs!

“Could it be a burglar?” I asked in a whisper while reaching out for my torch and the rattan stick I used to keep in the bedroom for security reason.

“No!...errrr…I.. I.. I dddon’t ttthink so, dad….It was clearly a pair of a young lady's legs I saw! I dared not even look up to see the rest of her!"

Isshhhh!! I felt goose bumps suddenly all over my arms as my mind started to picture what Charlie allegedly saw…

How could there be a 'lady’ sitting at my computer table in the dimly lighted living room downstairs at that strange wee hour of the morning?






I took a deep breath and said a very short but precise ‘Yeh Soh’ prayer before telling Charlie that we had to go downstairs to check things out.

I turned on all the lights available in my room and started moving around the room in heavy stumping steps on purpose, talking louder than usual and making as much noise as I could…hoping that, that ‘thing’ downstairs could get the impression that I still got my balls intact..(even though they could have been reduced to ‘kacang putih’ size! lol!)

Charlie stood close behind me with one hand on my shoulder as I opened the room door. I could see that he was all tensed up, probably thinking~ Gosh! What if that ‘thing’ had already climbed the stairs and was just outside waiting for us behind the room door?

I shone my torch immediately down the stairs and every corner of the living room that I could reach from the top of the stairs. For the first time, I realized that green color bulb is not a wise choice for a night-light. It was creepy and eerie!

Taking another deep breath to steady myself, I walked down the stairs with Charlie tailing behind me like we were a lion dance team... stumping our feet on the wooden planks hard to make thumping sounds as our final ‘warning’ to whatever or whoever who had intruded into our home that morning.

Thank God we found nothing unusual after checking every nook and corner on the ground floor and finally went to bed feeling more comfortably secured that night... errrr... with all the lights in the house left on of course!

We kept this incident to ourselves without telling Jboy, my elder son until we moved out of that old house years later.

Our Spooky Pasar Malam Trips.

Charlie was riding pillion on our weekly trip to the nearby Pasar malam (night market) to get those ‘Rm5 for three’ cakes last Wednesday evening when …

Just before reaching the junction at the corner of our residential car-park area, he said, “Dad, don’t go that way, it’s better to turn left and take the other longer route.”

“Huh? The shortcut is too dark for your comfort… issit?”

“Hungry Ghost month maaa! Ma huan la! (problematic)”, he answered.

“Oh! Hungry Ghost month!… you scared the ‘hantu tektek (the big breast ghost)’ choke you with her gigantic bOObs because you always open your mouth and talk nonsense. ..issit?” I quipped.

Charlie: “I don’t mean that kind of ‘hungry ghosts’ la… You know la, dad… Those blue blue ones, whole day haven’t eaten throughout this month, hiding behind trees like ‘sip chaeng kwai’ with small notebook in hand, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting motorcyclist type la… Get what I mean?”

Me: “Ohhh! I see what you mean now. Those errr… pei-phei, moe-chih, ha-lau, chin-kak , chook sang pat yuee, choe kwai ngmm laeng, mah- kow-fun…KOPI-OR hungry ghosts…. hahaha!”

Charlie: “Ayo! What a mouthful of debasing Cantonese invectives you are spewing! Dad, with you around…I feel a lot safer because it won’t be me ‘hantu tektek’ should be targeting her boobs at after all.. hehehe!”


________ Fast forwarding to…….

On the ride back from the pasar malam, just as I turned left at the same junction mentioned earlier where the street lamp has not been working for sometime, I suddenly caught a glimpse of a girl standing alone in the dark corner on the grass besides the road, with a helmet in her hand like she was waiting for someone to give her a lift.

“OMG! Did you see that girl, Charlie?

Wattafark did she paint her face with? She looks like she’s wearing a white Japanese Kabuki mask …

Diu-niaseng! She scared the shit out of me pulak!”







Without wasting that good opportunity the ‘kwailan’ Charlie responded, “Where got? You are sure or nottttt? I didn’t see anyone wor…Die la you! You must have seen one of those real ‘cannot mention at night this month’ type oledee! kekeke!”

On hearing that, I felt a little uneasy even though I knew Charlie was teasing me because my mind was then wandering back to one particular spooky incident that happened at this same Wednesday pasar malam venue three years ago.....

....We were watching a Chinese medicine peddler about to perform some stunts to pull in the crowd at the far end of the field, near where a grave stood hidden by a mound of encircling hill, a little away from the brightly lit pasar malam stalls.

Just when the medicine peddler was about to get into his act after so much of ‘saliva spewing’ sales talk and his mambo jambo act to invite ‘his little friend’ (toyol?) to assist done, Charlie turned to me with a very disturbed look on his face and said, “Let’s getttt outtt of here fastttt!”

“Ayaa! What a spoilsport la..you!” “Wait la, watch a little more..Can ar?” I pleaded.

He kept on insisting to leave immediately and from his tone of voice and facial expression, I knew something was really wrong. Without any further questioning, I relented and we left the show.

As I reluctantly walked away from the crowd, Charlie kept warning me in very troubled tone, “Dad! Don’t look back! Don’t look back!”

From the fear and urgency I saw in him, I guessed he must have just seen ‘something’ others are unable to, an uncanny ability he has since he was a kid, which can be sometimes extremely freaking scary even for an adult like me when you get to hear what he sees!

Only much later when he felt calmer and more relaxed back in the comfort of our home, he disclosed to me his preternatural sighting at the pasar malam that night….

He actually saw a young girl about 4 or 5 years old, with very pale whitish face and very dark eye-rings in some strange out-of the era clothes and shoes....staring at us from across the opposite side of the crowd!!!!!!

Our children’s ‘LAUGH DIE ME’ Ingrish!

In one of those ‘sembang-kupsiao’ sessions we had whenever the workload eases in between hectic work schedules in our office, we started ranting on the deteriorated standard of the English language these days.

Apparently, students these days are confused with the phonetics of English language with that of the Bahasa Malaysia. We had so much laughter that day, sharing our personal hilarious encounters with our children's ‘laugh die people’ mispronounced English words.

It all started when I told them how my #1 son used to say POWS instead of PAUSE and whenever he requested me to 'POWS' the movie we were watching on DVD, that cheeky #2 son (would be quick to respond on my behalf wittingly, “No need la.. We can RE-WEEN (Rewind) back for you easily maa…hehehe!”






James then told us how he once overheard his son’s conversation with his classmate, weaving around on how to SER TOOP a particular program. He caught no balls on what the kids meant by SER TOOP but not wanting to risk being labeled as backward in IT or a 'kaypo-apek' he didn’t ask them for clarification. It only dawned on him much later that they were discussing on how to SETUP the program!

Fizul then told us that his 10 years old son once hurried him to quickly finish his bath, knocking on the bathroom door saying “Pa, cepat mandi! Astro TV is showing OON CHOOT edition of FRIDAY the 13th movie!”

“What OON CHOOT?”

“ OON CHOOT lah… U…., N…, C…, U…, T.. Oon choot!”

Another friend told us that his 7years old son ordered CHOCHA~CHOLA at the kopitiam and the confused apek said, "Ta lak!" (should have recommended him 7-OOP (7up) la instead and a plate of Chicken CHOOT-LET (cutlet) too... hahaha!)







The most humorous "LAUGH DIE ME' Ingrish contribution that day came from Puan Khairiah who told us what she heard her daughter said when her path was blocked by her siblings...

She heard the young lass asked, “Can I PASS A WAY?” (she wanna pass away?….. lol!)

I must say thanks to those smart asses who decided to abandon the English language as the teaching medium in our education system … the 'Ingrish' language is getting funnier by the day and I'm having so much fun abetting in the corruption and murder of this beautiful language! Really 'laugh-die-me' la!!!

Sandwiched, perspiring but glad I was there!

Was about to update last week when suddenly the news of TBH’s mysterious death broke. Sigh... was too overwhelmingly saddened to be in the mood to share some laughter in this blog as intended. (If by now, you‘re still not familiar with the name Teoh Beng Hock… I suggest you google it.. or better still, go fly out from some 14th floor window and get to meet and know him personally! Oops! sorry to sound so mean..cos' I'm in very toolan mood la! *so 2lan until I spelled the word 'sandwiched' as 'sandwitched' in this post without realising until a day after !)

Anyway, just before I left for the ‘Justice for TBH’ solidarity gathering yesterday I commented on Lilian’s 5Xmom blog….teasingly volunteering to be her ‘tripod assistant’ in her task as a CITIZEN JOURNALIST there at Wisma Penyayang…

I hurriedly left home for the venue without realizing she had replied, suggesting that I take some close-up shots of people’s facial expressions there last night…














Alas, by the time I got to read her suggestion, way too late at 5am this morning, (after a good night rest of my aching body and feet. Stood 3 and half hours throughout the forum weii!....) all I found in my camera were something like these below….

errrr.......shots mostly showing the back of people's kelapa kepala!

















........ so I replied her.














Diu! Angry or sad facial expression shots tak lak la..... but plenty of these back shots showing ..errrrr... people losing hair over the sad incident perhaps! (Toolan until 'Loot Mor' la!)
...............








and legs-shots .... that don't tell much.....But, sadly that was the only other option of view I had there while sardined right at the back of the crowded hall!

See my heavy PAKALOLO boots that I always wear to crowded events for fear of being stepped on? This is what they called 'Batu' shoes ..as heavy as rocks...hahaha!





and more legs here....



















........and what about this 'shoulders' shot? Can see the anger and sadness of those people there or not? No?










Fortunately, when the forum ended I went forward to the front and took some shots of our super lady Citizen Journalist, Lilian in the media crowd ...interviewing, recording. cam and video shooting our CM..









Well..I don't have any close-up angry facial expression shots to show here.... but the very fact that thousands of Penangites were there, cramped and sweltering in solidarity speaks aloud their anger as well as their care and concern.

Pics showing the rest of the crowd who could not get into the hall, watching live broadcast projector screen at the foyer downstairs...

The Love Letter

Dearest,

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

Soo Whyne, The flu.

















Just in case, you are still sotong-blur, not knowing the differences between a FLU, Allergy, Cold and Sinusitis... here's a chart to refer to~

AhKowKia's new neighbor

AhKowKia after having had enough of the noisy city life, moves to the peaceful and quiet remote countryside. His new neighbor, SaiFoo, the farmer pays him a visit and invites him to a party that night.

SaiFoo: Braader, you sure you can drink or not? There’s going to be a lot of ‘yamseng’ there one..you know.

AhKowKia: Don’t worry La… I used to go pub gallivanting a lot in the city with my colleagues after work..

SaiFoo: Orso have to warn you.. After so much drinking, things can go rough and sometimes there may be fighting too.

AhKowKia: Don’t worry, I’m the non-violent, non-lansi friendly type.. I don’t normally offend people and can get along with anyone easily la.

SaiFoo: Okay, good! ….don’t say I didn’t warn you…usually party ends up so wild …..got a lot of SEX too.

AhKowKia: Wow! It’s fine with me. By the way, what should I wear? I haven't actually unpack my clothes yet.. tee shirt can ar?

SaiFoo: It doesn’t matter la! Wear anything orso nevermind .. It’s going to be Just the two of us only jer maaa....

AhKowKia: harrrrr???? (faints..)

Fable 2009 -In Fear of Porky's sneeze!

The animal Kingdom is looking for the most feared leader to rule as the new King of the Jungle 2009….

An elephant, a lion and a pig are contending for the post.

Lion: Look here kawan kawan, for centuries it has always been written - Lion, the King of the jungle!. Lion is king and king is Lion… and nothing else because when a lion like me roars, the whole jungle freezes in fear!

Elephant: Pooordah dei! When you roar yev'ryone freezes only, but when I trumpet, yev'ryone in the jungle has to make way for me laa! Scared or not... huh?

Pig: Cheh!!! Like that only mehhhh? I never bluff you one…I just need to sneeze and cough lightly nia, not only the jungle kingdom but the whole planet has to live in fear oledi!

Blending in with an 'ANYTHING ORSO CAN' Tee

As I look at the bursting wardrobe drawers cramped with all sorts of colorful Tee-shirts now, my mind wanders back to those ‘emergency mornings’ of Charles’s secondary schooldays, when he had to rush like a Bomba engine ...and also screaming like one, looking for a particular T-shirt for a particular activity in school that day.

It was either “Chamm liao la! Where‘s my WUSHU Tee?” or “My Editorial Board Tee hai peen toh leh?” or “Sei Lor..can’t find my House color-Tee laa!!” depending on which day of the week but all the same, this slugabed-dad had to cut short sleep to help search for that particular elusive T-shirt he needed to survive another day in school!

Ya..I know, I know.. It’s cool to wear a Slogan Tee-shirt these days that practically screams aloud your stand and beliefs or identify your association with certain clubs or a particular group of people sharing a common cause. But come to think of it, do we really need to spend so much dough unnecessarily on all sorts of loud slogan Tees that sometimes make us look like a ‘walking Advert’ or even a ‘walking billboard’? (that's when your body goes 'panoramic' in shape!)

Niamah! Can’t we make life less complicated and easier to go by with just a ‘generic’ Tee that can be worn for all activities? One that can make us blend into or associate with, any group on any occasion, anytime, any day and anywhere. (same reason why I only buy totally black or totally white plain socks to avoid going nuts looking for the missing matching socks.. Smart leh? hehehe!)


Perhaps, something like this “I’M WITH THEM” Tee-shirt should just do the trick....


It does not matter whether the crowd is wearing “I’m with.. errrrr RPK, ...PKR, ...KPR (Kay Po Residents?) or some saintly “Wholly Holy’ church group Tee. With this generic 'all occasions' tee, one can easily blend in instantly just for a good cam-whoring session with your camera-phone like this!.....


Same goes with those ‘anti-whatever’ candlelight vigils… you may want to snap a good pic just so that some day your grandchildren actually believe grandpa was so ‘geng’ once!

But then again you may need to be discreet and prudent with your choice of association … the question of whether “Ada permit” or “Talak Permit mia, 123 Tangkap!” gathering.. Otherwise, someday when your grandchildren look at that pic of you getting invited for 'free stay and breakfast' by some 'too affectionately embracing' fellow countrymen in blue, they'll go, “SWEAT-LAH!! Grandpa YOU!...WITH THEM some more!”