The AhNeh-Neh Rempit

This is one hilarious but true incident that happened…

Date: Last Sunday, 25^th May 2008
Place: Traffic lights at T-junction of Jalan Thean Teik going into Jln. Air Itam
Time: early afternoon

Seated on their bikes at the front of the usual heavy traffic waiting impatiently for the traffic lights to turn green at the Jalan Thean Teik road junction were three motorcyclists….

Somebody’s Ah Mah (granny ) probably in her early 70’s with a wrinkled face looking like a topography map and a white shirt worn backward to protect her arms from the scorching sun. A long hair college student with a bag, probably on his way to college....and next to him….this ‘tau-si ahneh-neh rempit’!!!.

That ahneh-neh rempit was 'gandhi-laubo' showing off…playing with the throttle and brake, taming the forward thrust like he was riding a wild stallion in a rodeo show. He looked ‘lan-sily’ around indicating his invitational challenge for anyone moronic enough to race…

I told my son, Charles that this type of “Chiak liao bee” people should go and die instead of endangering the lives of others on the road.

Charles: “Ayuh! dad, don’t’ curse people to die la.. very sinful to do that!”

Me: “Ok ..ok! I take my words back…we wish him long long life…..ok?”

Charles (sniggering) : “Yes! we wish him long long life…a long long paralytic life of miseries lying in bed!”

Me: “Yessss! Total paralysis of his body …except for his dick!...lagi more jia-lat mia long life for him...hehehe!!”

Just then, the red light came on to stop the traffic on the Jalan Air Itam way… and before the green light came on to allow the traffic coming out of Jalan Thean Teik to go...............

VRROOOMMMMMM!!!! Somebody had already beaten the green light and darted across the junction while everyone else was just about to step on the pedal or turn the throttle!

Guess what? It wasn’t that lansi-lanyong Ahneh-neh Rempit on the opposite road I saw…… but it was Ah Mah ! (the granny) …The winner of the Motorcycle under125cc Jalan Thean Teik Championship of that day!!! It was Ah mah on her YAMAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That Ah Mah really made my last sunday, a 'Beautiful Sunday' indeed and as for that AhNeh-Neh Rempit..let's wish him a long long life.........

.

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HONDA joke

At a cocktail party to launch the Motorbike Expo, Ah KowPEK turns to the guest next to him and ask, “Wanna hear a good HONDA joke?”

The guy next to him replies,” Good! but before you tell the joke, you should know something .. …”

“I’m Tai loh Huat, Honda motorbike dealer of Samseng Motor Sdn Bhd.”

“This guy next to me here is Siao Goo, President of HONDA Motorbike Dealers Association and next to him is Mr. Honda, CEO of Honda, Japan himself”

“Now You still wanna tell the joke?”

AH KOWPEK said,” No need liao la! After have to explain three times….sweat la!

Now..the Fathers on SexEdu K'shen (updated version)

(Written in Singlish/Manglish ..anything but English!)

AhLian’s Papa: Blarder! Your lau phor got tell you about NS Sex edu-k’shen thing or not?

AhHwa’s Farder: Aiyah..Got lor! No nid worree so much wan la! When my children small small time, I already teach them Sex edu-k’shen

AhLian’s Papa: Waahh! U so kool wan leh! I paiseh teach them la! I remember last time when they small, AhLian asked me why her blarder got ‘bird bird’ she dun have one. I also dunno how to tell her. So I told her she also got wannnn! …but daddy ask God to keep it inside her..sked people steal ma! hahaha!

AhHwa’s Farder: Aiyah! You should tell her the truth ..no nid to bluff her laidat one ma. Just tell her not to worry, she also got something her blarder also don’t have…and with what she got, she can have as many as what her blarder got when she grows up time! You say true or not? This is Sex edu-k’shen ma!

AhLian’s Papa: Aiyo! Laidat orso can ar? Err..I was orso right ma, boy or girl orso same same one la.. just that boys got their ovaries hanging outside nia…not exactly accurate but still a bit Sex-edu k’shen ma..hehehe!!!

AhHwa’s Farder: Also, since she was a small girl…I sked my daughter next time dunno how to refuse and say ‘NO’ to people when she big time, limpek orso got teach her the words 'DON’T!' and 'STOP!’

Limpek then encouraged her to use these words as often as she could so that next time when big liao those words can easy easy come out from her mouth when boyflen wants to do something naughty to her.. clever or not?

AhLian’s Papa: cleverr!!! but errrrr....u got think ornot har....What if she next time so fluent with two words that she orso can join them together and say “DON”T STOP! ..Oh God!... PLEASE DON”T STOP!” laidat orso wor????

AhHwa’s Farder: …diuuu lorrrrr!. Never realize that also!. But no worry la.. now that they are oledi quite big, I orso got teach them things like SAFE SEX ma…

AhLian’s Papa: SAFE SEX? ….you mean as advised by our Ministry of Health Minister of Health …to Check everywhere see got hidden CCTVs or not first before doing anything silly ar?

AhHwa’s Farder: No la.. I’m talking about putting on the rubber.. that ‘You can't go wrong if you cover your dong’ condom thingy la!

AhLian’s Papa: Walau! you so open minded one .. encourage them to to it …some more teach them ‘how to gift wrap the member on such occasions’ Leempek salute you la!

AhHwa’s Farder: Not exactly as you see it! I only pretend to encourage nia.. I bluff bluff teach them hor… ...‘Before using condom, it is velly important to unroll completely and check for any lubang (holes) and the fine prints at the far bottom, where Asians like us usually dun roll that far down to notice it’…Limpek cunning or not?

AhLian’s Papa: Hahaha! You very jia-lat! … by the time he can put it on after checking..Chinese says ’cock also crow liao’ and Ang Mors say ‘Cows come home oledi’

AhHwa’s Farder: Brader, it’s more ‘chun’ if we mix up the two phrases to say ‘the cock cums home oledi’ ..hahaha!!

AhLian’s Papa: By the way blarder, you got worry ornot about the NS Sex Edu K’shen program? Can we really trust these peeple to teach SEX to our children?

AhHwa’s Farder: no nid worry so much la… if ever this NS Sex Edu K’shen is on, the authorities will make sure that all Sex Instructors are specially trained and highly qualified ones with certs such as this ma..

click to enlarge

AhLian’s Papa: the grade 1 mia instructors good enuff...allowed to talk only and NO practical SEXedu K'shen. Lai dat limpek orso feel better and safer ..if not they take advantage of the situation to touch here, touch there, touch everywhere!

AhHwa's Farder: dun worree la...I think hor ..the only practical they may have is to play play with dolls imported from Hong Kong! They can go "Laidis, laidat, laidis and laidat...Oops! eeeek!! Why got baby come out one? hahaha!

The Hongkong Family Planning Assoc. dolls for SexEdu K'shen-BEFORE



Dolls AFTER practical SexEdu K'shen!

AhLian's & AhHwa's Marders on 'NS Sex Education'

Here's the crap I read.......

Ah Lian’s marder: Ah soh! You got hear or not?…they want to teach SEX education at the NS camp soon?

Ah Hwa’s marder: Ayoh! Can trust them or nottttt? After got chikopek mia trainers take advantage.. we also dunno!

Ah Lian’s marder: Send one daughter to NS, worry maybe can never come back alive.. and now if come back alive also have to worry whether come back pregnant or not. Macam send one and get 1 free lidat!

Ah Hwa’s marder: Better we sendiri teach them hor?

Ah Lian’s marder: Paiseh lah…how to talk about these things face to face? They all different, They got multimedia to use and teach one.. show video on this and that, how, where and when…hampalang got.

Ah Hwa’s marder: Can lah!..We also can get our own ‘Mati-media’ to teach them ma.. We go pasar malam buy that “Datuk Chua’ mia DVD and show them lor! Malaysia mia own video..summor by our own Health Ministry Health Minister..sure good enough for them one I think!

Ah Lian’s marder: Come to think of it hor…what makes them think kids these days are blur sotong about sex like us during those ‘nineteen kerosene-tin’ years? Now got Internet oledi…maybe they are even more pro than those trainers!

Ah Hwa’s marder: yalor!…Maybe we put test to them..see they know about sex or not first lor.

Ah Lian’s marder: How?

Ah Hwa’s marder: Okay…we show them picture of naked man with his balls painted one red and the other blue….

Ah Lian’s marder: Then?

Ah Hwa’s marder: If they exclaim, “OMG! those are the funniest LP balls I 've ever seen!” ..then no need anymore Sex education liao lor” “ They need more prayers instead!”

The ParentsLuvMsgGoneWrong CLUB

“Please go far far, get lost and never come back!”

“Si Geen Nah…lu khi see ho la!” ( It’s better you go and die! )

“ Bo lor eong eh kia! Tey ho mian tui lai la!” ( useless child! It’s better you don’t ever come back!)

There could be no better way of destroying a teenager’s self-esteem than these harsh scornful words! Worse still, if these scorns are vociferated by your parents, the very people whom you depend on for love, subsistence, comfort and security!

If you are one of those many teenagers whose hearts are so often pierced by such hurting remarks coming from your parents…. leaving you devastated, feeling unwanted, lonely and emo with tears rolling down your cheeks ......Welcome to ParentsLuvMsgGoneWrong Club!!!

And now.....as a new member of our ParentsLuvMsgGoneWrong Club, you get this privilege of discovering 'hoo-tafahk' are these detestable people we called parents!

Just for your sake, leempek's gonna betray all my fellow parents of the PAMI Association (Parents Are Most Important Assoc) now and leak out their secrets for all to know! (never mind getting martyred by your dads for shredding their macho image into pieces.. Leempek die also never mind… can then become Saint 9pek9bo!!! lol!!)

Okay..ssshhhhhh! Read this quietly.....dunwan to kena OSA ODSA (Orang Dewasa Secrets Act) la!

Secret No.1: Parental love is unconditional…

Which means, no matter how you failed them, they will still love you!

No matter what wrongs you have done.. they’ll finally forgive you and still love you!

You don’t have to send them roses with teddy bears they will still love you!

They love you without any terms & conditions attached!

(Charles, if you’re reading this…don’t get ‘oo-bin’ and take advantage of me!)

Secret No. 2: Their vocal cords somehow can never produce the line 'SON/DAUGHTER, I LOVE YOU!'

Most Asian parents, unlike their western counterparts are traditionally tongue-tied when it comes to expressing their love for their teenage children verbally.

You can ask them to do anything in the world for you….BUT DON’T EVER expect them (especially dads) to say that “Son/daughter, I Love You” line!!! They will melt by the mushiness and die instantly!

Ditto if you want your dad to hug you! It's 'NO NO' for their macho Asian dad image..they rather hug a ticking bomb!( dont fret ...it has nothing to do with the shape of the bomb and yours!)

So, without the constant verbal luv & hugs assuring them of parental love, most ‘si-geen-nahs’ assume their parents don’t love them that much….haizzzz! how sad! (errrrr.. maybe our Censor Board should also snip off those hugging scenes as not to mislead our teens hor?)

Maybe also, in addition to Father’s and Mother’s Day .. we should have some kind of Son’s or Daughter’s Day to celebrate where parents can send notes and gifts to profess their love for their children too. .... Ok, those in favor of creating this special day…say “aye!” here. (Note: Charles, You are not allowed to vote!)

Secret No.3: Parents are just as human as you..

No matter how ‘Rambo” strong, macho, wise and authoritative they portray themselves to be, or you were brought up to think they are…. parents are as vulnerable as you! Just like you, they can get scared, frightened, hurt, confused, frustrated and blur-sotong lost sometimes!

Secret No.4: Parents want you to have the BEST in life!

It’s their dream and lifetime ambition to see that you can achieve what they couldn’t. ( with their past failed experiments they now have a WHAT NOT TO DO handbook for you to follow and achieve! Good leh?)

It’s also their dream that you get what they couldn’t get or missed in life.. (they think you have better luck and opportunities or what?)

And……. that’s where the problem begins! You get pissed off by their strict demands and high expectation that’s mounting pressure on you.. and you go," WTF do I care what you want..it's my life..NOT yours!" " LEAVE ME ALONE! I already have one arse hole to shit with ..and I don't need any more in my life!"

and finally SECRET NO. 5: (my favorite mambo no:5!)

TAHH DAHHH!!!! The most well kept secret of all…...

Parents really DON’T SAY WHAT THEY MEAN and DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY when they are yelling their heads off in anger!

In fact,

“Please go far far and never come back!”

“Si Geen Nah…lu khi see ho la!” ( It’s better you go and die! )

“ Bo lor eong eh kia! Tey ho mian tui lai la!” ( useless child! It’s better you don’t ever come back!)

all mean the same thing! That is..

“ HELP! I LOVE YOU SON/DAUGHTER but I’M STRESSED, CONFUSED AND LOST AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW! PLEASE HELP ME!”

Believe me…when parents reprimand or scold...they do it out of LOVE, CARE & CONCERN and NOT because they HATE you!

Basically, man has got only TWO feelings...HAPPINESS or FEAR. In fact, the underlying factor of all negative feelings such as anger, hate, jealousy, envy is nothing else but FEAR!

Your parents scold you for going out too often or coming home late ...because they FEAR you'll get into trouble, they FEAR you don't have enough rest and get into sickness and FEAR losing you!

When they scold you for not doing well in your exams ...it is because they FEAR that you will have a tough future ahead!( and errrrr..sometimes they also FEAR that nosy auntie next door bragging about her children!)

Now, if you catch no ball in what I’m trying to say in this post…”YOU BETTER GO FAR FAR and NEVER COME BACK!” LOLs!!!!!

Kiasu In BohNowland!

NiaSeng! ..niamah!…nia-whatever! Leempek have never ever seen any people more kiasu & kiasi then those BohNow survivors of the recent March 8 ‘tsunami’General Election!

Even the ‘bo thak cheks’ can clearly see that these sore losers ‘tsu-niamahs’ are beginning to show signs of diffidence in themselves ..

If not, why would a kind and caring program to have our Deputy CM II, Dr. P. Ramasamy to give away free spectacles to some needy Tamil students in school be refused permission?

OMG! It looks like the mere presence and appearance of Dr. Ramasamy or any Pakatan Rakyat YB in schools can be so disturbing and threatening that it could scare the shit out of these diffident BohNow Tsu-niamah losers!

Or... is it that they are losing their balls and hairs fearing that the PR distributed spectacles

would look something like these? :D

Judging by the silly and unintelligent reason given for not granting the continuation of this meaningful program, leempek suspect that their shit has all along been constipated in their otak udang and now causing their mouths to diarrhea!

I bet their lame excuse of not wanting the students to be disturbed is not even convincing enough to the little minds of those primary students who now get to learn that to be the education authorities in this BohNowland you really don’t need much brains! (Oops! Now everyone says they want to be a minister when they grow up ..They are really getting educated fast, don’t they? LOL)

Butt thinking on Shitty Problem!

I came across this piece of news in the Star online ..it's sad that this law-maker fella don't seem to think in dollars & cents...or maybe he DOES? (with different beneficiaries in mind..)

Now we know why all these years the authorities had never been successful in solving that shitty problem of unclean public lavatories…. They have been using the wrong end to do their thinking!

You see, for a problem originating from the posterior end.. you need to use your butt to do the thinking.. like how this new minister fella came out with this idea of compulsory requirement to have qualified institutionally trained staff to maintain public facilities. How brilliant!

Wow! Imagine… certified professionals probably belonging to some kinda ACTC (Association of Chartered Toilet Cleaners) to keep our public loos squeaky clean! Ermmm… shall I welcome this with my opened arms or an opened arse? (knowing that they are gonna charge9 me kao kao for their professional cleaning services)

Foreseeing market competitiveness of this blooming toilet cleaning business we may soon be seeing degrees like this decorating the toilet walls!

By then, I guess I have to plug my ol’ arse unless it learns how to shit gold like the goose with golden eggs! But then again, if I can shit gold..I won't want to do it in public loos ..right or not? hahaha!